Death Envy

I heard a story last night that I’ve been thinking about a lot.

It's similar to a lot of stories I hear and think about. Someone gets sick and dies very quickly, someone dies in their sleep, someone has a heart attack and dies in seconds...

A woman was diagnosed with acute leukemia, moved up North to be near her son, and died—all within the space of one week.

Have you ever had death envy? Bearing in mind that my definition of death is an instant transition from this life to Heaven, to Life, I’m envious.

Yes, I know that it’s nice for people to have time to prepare for the death of a loved one. Yes, I know sudden deaths are hard on the people who are left behind.

But as the person looking at dying, it sounds great to me. I mean ONE WEEK??? It’s been over a year and a half for me. I’ve known since the beginning that my cancer would be terminal. I know God showed that to me, I know that this process is being used in a lot of ways with a lot of people, I know that I’ve learned a lot and grown throughout the process, but knowing I'm terminally ill and trying to live in light of that is not easy. Having constant mental battles trying to keep my head straight and focused in the right direction, fighting to keep myself focused on the promises God has made me and not on speculating about how I'll "die," trying to understand which medical interventions are ones I should use, trying to understand which medical/physical issues to deal with and which to ignore (like the marble sized lump inside the base of my neck and one the same size under my left arm which have both been hurting this week), and a million other things make the dying quickly option seem very appealing.

My grandfather used to say we’re all terminal cases, and it’s true. But there are a lot of different ways to make that transition from life to Life. Some are more awful than I can think about, but some sure do seem like easier ways out...

Maybe this is a prayer request, for the grace to live well until Jesus comes for me. I know that God will guide the future as He has obviously guided the past, but sometimes the ambiguity gets to me.