Friday, November 5, 2010

Untitleable 2

Okay, I’ve already been told that my last post was frustrating and disturbing.

What can I say? I wrote this last October, a whole YEAR ago, and it still holds true:

“Most of my family and friends know my thinking about this.... the bottom line is that it's my body and I'm the one in it dealing with all of this. And as I said, they are going to have to release me, and I them, at some point anyway.”

Same thing, another whole year later: They will never have had enough time with me, they will have to release me sometime, we’ve all known the cancer was terminal for as long as we’ve been willing to acknowledge it, and I’m the one living in this (curse word) body.

I understand their point; that it’s hard and painful and disturbing, and I’m not unsympathetic. It’s just that it has been hard and painful all along. And, living in a 33 year old body that feels like it’s 65, knowing I’m terminally ill, and knowing that I can’t do a lot of the things I’d like to do while I’m waiting to die because of my energy limitations makes me want to be done.

I hope that I can maintain a sense of humor for the time I have left, even if it is dark humor, and I hope my time of suffering will be over as soon as possible.

I’m doing the best I can to be with people and to use my time well, but that’s the best I can do. I can’t change my limitations or their limitations.

It is what it is. I’m sorry and I wish it were easier for everyone but I can’t make it easier. I have been trying to make it as much easier as I can, but there's only so much I can do. I’m not God.

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