Decisions

Since Wednesday, I’ve been reflecting, okay agonizing, on/over medical/treatment decisions I anticipate needing to make at the end of December. I don’t know how to describe how heavily medical decisions weigh on me. Not only do the decisions have the potential to end my life on this earth, they also affect other people deeply. Most of the people who I talk about these decisions with understand that they are my decisions to make. They say they will support me, no matter what I decide. While this is the most freeing and helpful thing they can say, I still can’t quite let go of how my decisions will and do affect other people and my life... They are decisions I don’t want to make.

It occurred to me that I could be praying that there would be no decision to make. I could be praying that whatever is going on at that point would be so clear, one way or the other, that it wouldn’t require a decision. This is God’s project so I’m going to pray that HE would make the decision. Gideon laid out a fleece, a donkey spoke, the ram got stuck in the thicket....

God has been clearly guiding this cancer process, since before I even knew it started. Asking Him to make whatever needs to happen so clear that it's impossible for it to be questioned, second guessed, or become a source of anguish, seems like the right thing to ask.