A Journey to the Door

How a cancer continues to be used for the good of many

2011-07-11T14:18:00.016-04:00

From Martha's parents:

We want to share with those who have followed Martha's story a recent posting by Jen Roop who, among other things, is a great biker and who has loved Martha and rides to raise money and awareness for cancer research. You will be blessed as you see how the pebble in the pond continues to ripple outward for God's glory!

Please see Jen's beautiful "Tribute to Martha" using the link on the right sidebar.

Blessings to all, Fred and Jean Depp

Martha's Story of Cancer

2011-04-20T13:33:00.007-04:00

The video placed here was assembled by Luke Morales, a member of Redeemer Presbyterian Church, Martha's home church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The Depps are grateful to Luke for his fine efforts. This ten minute video is a merge of three video clips. One clip was taken during an extended interview Luke did with martha during October, 2010. A second clip was taken when Martha spoke to her church members on Easter Sunday, 2010 and a third clip was taken in February, 2011 in her home on a Sunday evening when her pastor, some family and some church members went through the memorial service she and her pastor, Hunter Dockery had planned together about a year earlier. It was a joyous and faith filled evening as you can sense from the video.

Betrothed in Dazzling White

2011-04-12T13:17:00.001-04:00

Mary, mother of Jesus, was betrothed of Joseph, chosen to bear the Son of God Most High.

Martha, child of King Jesus has been betrothed to Him, the Christ, Savior and Son of God Most High since He came offering her new life many years ago. Made a member of His bride the church, she continues to worship Him with Mary and all those who live and move and have their being in the Risen One with the pierced hands and feet.

Martha, child of God, is now dazzling white and glorious, a maiden among many sons and daughters of the King eternal.

Martha has now entered into the bridegroom’s gates with praises wearing His wedding garment, the King’s gift to each of those who love Him and seek His holiness without and then within His blessed gates.

Cancer now consumed, all earthly doubt dispelled, all fears quenched in the Spirit’s loving ministry and singular transformation now seeing the bridegroom in His glory.

Who gives this woman to be wed to the King for all eternity? Her mother and I do with unspeakable joy and thanksgiving in our souls. We give her most gladly to Him who is called: Greater Love Hath No One Than This.

Martha's Joy-shared by Jae Campbell at the Memorial Service for Martha Depp

2011-04-11T12:05:00.002-04:00

Don’t you see her?
Running through the meadows
The wind in her hair
Her smile bright and vibrant
Her glowing eyes

She reaches an area where children have gathered
They are laughing and playing
She joins in with excitement as they circle a tree
She is the tallest of all the little ones but her joy is just as full
Don’t you see her?

She sprints through a garden
Her arms stretched out from her side
Her hands floating through an endless bounty of flowers and leaves
Don’t you see her?

She closes her eyes and spins and spins
Finally falling back on the cool green grass
She looks up to see the father smiling down on her
His presence overwhelms her and she shouts out his-praises
Don’t you see her?

She enters a cave and notices the structure of the walls
Her hands glide along the carvings, paintings, and mixture of colors.
Her eyes take in the rich pure pallet of
purples, pinks, yellows, greens and blues
Don’t you see her?

She looks down at her hand and clasps them together
Her eyes fill with tears
Oh but she is not sad
She is thankful that he would share his artistic design with her
She is amazed that he chose her as the vessel
To give us a glimpse of the heavenlies
Don’t you see her?

And today, today she smiles down on us
She is thinking of us as we are remembering her
She is praying for us
Praying that the peace, joy, and comfort she
Is experiencing with the father now, we will taste and see one day
Don’t you see her?

Written By: Jae Campbell (Inspired by God)

A testimony at the memorial service 4-3-11 for Martha Depp by Joanne Depp-a sister-in-law

2011-04-04T16:26:00.004-04:00

Martha’s story begins and ends with Jesus.

Without question, Martha had a special relationship with Jesus, and we have been blessed by all she shared with us.

But - Martha would want us to know and remember that she did not have a special access to God that isn’t available to the rest of us.

She knew and believed that she was a child of God, and that that Jesus’ loving hands were always reaching out to her - regardless of what her emotions or feelings were telling her about God’s reach towards her.

And do you know what Martha did -- She reached back. She prayed and studied God’s word and knew Him and loved Him in his entirety and His enormity of character.

She believed word for word that God is who the Bible says He is, and did not discount any parts that were uncomfortable, even by today’s standards.

Martha would be the first person to tell you that she wasn’t perfect; but she would also be the first one to tell you that her God was.

She would say that she needed Jesus in every step to her Journey to the Door because she could not get there on her own; not in her own human flesh and weakness.

And God’s promises carried her through that door.

She believed with her whole heart that God would not leave her or forsake her.

She knew that she would pass through waters and fires, but would remain unconsumed and unburned.

She knew that she was precious to Jesus, and that He loved her, and that He would preserve her for eternity.

She knew that God had a purpose for earthly suffering, and trusted that He would work all things together for good.

She knew that Jesus was her rescuer and deliverer. And that one day, He would restore her body and soul to perfection.

She knew He had prepared a place for her in Heaven, and that He was the only one who could keep her in perfect peace while she waited for Him to come.

And she knew that nothing - not even cancer or the process of dying or even death itself - could ever snatch her out of God’s loving hands.

And how did Martha know and believe all these things?

She prayed and read her Bible and focused on God’s promises to her - I should mention even long before her diagnosis of cancer. God had blessed Martha by giving her ears to hear and a heart to trust in his promises long before cancer was in her body.

Martha will always be remembered for her inspiring story and her courage in the face of terminal illness, dying, and death.

But please - please - in your memories of Martha and in your re-telling of Martha’s story - Please do not forget the One who gave Martha her courage and strength and peace.

Martha said in her own words - “Anything good coming out of my terminal cancer is because of the transforming work of Jesus - there would be no good in it otherwise, not for me. Remember where the good stuff originates.”

So on behalf of Martha, I’m asking you to remember that the “transforming work of Jesus” was and is her story.

Martha ran to him and clung to him and loved him so closely - that in the fullness of her story, it was hard to distinguish between Martha and Jesus--

between her words and his promises;
between her faith and his strength;
between her obedience and his love.

This is why throughout Martha’s story with cancer, people would make comments to me like --“When I’m with Martha, I know God is there.”

and “I can’t wait to see what Martha writes next - why hasn’t she posted anything recently?”

and “Wow, she is such an inspiration - I could never have such courage!”

And while these things may be true, did you ever stop to wonder why so many of us clung to Martha and the story she told us?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that regardless if we realized it or not, it’s because we want to be with the One Martha was clinging to.

We want to know and hear Jesus like Martha did; and understand his peace like she did; and experience his love like she did.

Martha’s God is pretty appealing - afterall, Martha’s God is THE God of the universe. And Martha would tell us that we all have ACCESS to him; that his promises are for all who believe in him.

And though we are grieving Martha right now, we do not need to grieve the closeness of God’s presence we experienced while she was with us. God is still very present; still reaching out; still offering His promises to those who want them.

Martha brought us to our own Door of sorts, and she would encourage us now to reach back. Even if it’s just by starting with a simple prayer and asking God to help you believe the promises Martha proclaimed.

Or even by picking up your Bible and seeing God’s promises for yourself; seeing that they weren’t only written for Martha, but also for you and for me.

I can only tell you these things with this kind of boldness because this is the part of her story Martha so desperately wanted people to remember. Martha’s story is not HER story if we pass it down without naming Jesus as her Savior and Deliverer and source of all good things.

So my recounting this part of Martha’s story to you is my way of telling Martha thank you - thank you, Martha for sharing our God’s promises so that we can know Him and love Him better. Thank you, Martha, for making God real and tangible to so many of us. Thank you, Martha, for showing us that any goodness we have is only from the gifting of God.

And it is also a gentle reminder to all of us of Martha’s very own words. As she said, “Remember where the good stuff originates.”

Martha on Defense Mechanism paintings, life and cancer

2011-03-26T17:19:00.000-04:00

Her last gentle breath

2011-03-24T22:55:00.002-04:00

Martha took her last gentle breath on earth and her first joyous breath in Heaven today, March 24, when her Lord Jesus came to take her to the place He has prepared for her, His perfect healing and eternal LIFE in His presence. Rejoice with us in this victory!

Thank you so very much for your prayers for Martha and her family during this journey in which our Lord has so clearly shown His awesome grace and faithfulness through her testimony.

Still Waiting...

2011-03-24T13:29:00.005-04:00

Our deepest gratitude to all of you who continue to bear our burden with us, experience our pain, and uphold us with your prayers for this seemingly long journey with Martha as she anticipates the joy of being with Jesus.

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us (Martha!) an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” 2 Cor. 4:17.

Martha has seemed very close to Heaven for several weeks now and the medical people continue to be amazed that she is still with us. These recent days have been more difficult as her body systems are shutting down and her brain chemistry is changing with the build up of toxins. She is sedated and resting peacefully.

We are impressed with how often our Lord brings some kind of relief: an angel of mercy hospice nurse coming to the house at night, after one nearly sleepless night here when one of her brothers appeared to sit by Martha’s side and calm her until a new medication arrived and more surprise bouquets of flowers on our doorstep. Certainly not least, we continue to be impressed with the extent of God’s mercy and grace to us as the stretching definitely continues!

All of her vital signs have been diminishing daily. Yesterday morning the hospice nurse could not hear her blood pressure with the cuff, or get an oxygen reading in her finger, and heard only slight air movement in her lungs. She has had no fluid input or output for almost a week and her breathing has been very irregular for days. She looks so very peaceful that I regret having to disturb her every three hours with medication that tastes terrible and is uncomfortable to receive.

So, dear intercessors, thank you again for persevering with us in this journey and may our Lord bless each of you abundantly!

In His love, Martha’s parents

Loving wounds-Reflections by Martha's Dad

2011-03-09T15:17:00.002-05:00

Proverbs, Chapter 27, Verse 6 tells us: ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful’.

An enemy’s kisses are a clear contradiction; enemies seek not our good with kisses. Think Judas Iscariot. But why would friends wound? One song of worship reminds we have a friend in Jesus, the Son of God. Yet scripture assures ‘He was wounded for our transgressions' by His Father, ‘smitten by God’ as Isaiah 53, verse 4 tells us, because of the Father’s love for us and for Him also.

Jesus satisfied our need; perfectly covering our sins and showing His fallen creation the infinite mercy of God. Both expressed together in the Father’s sacrifice of His Son on the cross and the Son’s acceptance of wounding by the One who loved Him from before the foundation of the world.

The Father wounding His own Son for the love us; the Son accepting wounding for the love of us as well. The Father faithful to fulfill His plan to release us from our sin must wound the Son for the love of us. The Son faithfully serving as our substitute, our Lamb, wounded for His love of us as well.

Loving wounds continue among the creatures of God bringing merciful cleansing that draw us to Him. Thomas experienced this when he beheld the wounded hands and feet of Jesus and put his hand in His side confessing belief with conviction where doubt had been, ‘My Lord and my God’; John 20, verse 28.

The Sovereign One, the All Faithful One, wounds His own thus evidencing ownership, great purpose and mysterious lovingkindness. Jacob’s chronic limp was not accidental but deeply intentional in remembrance as were the woundings of Job and Stephen.

God has assured Martha her terminal cancer is a continuation of her pilgrim journey with her Lord Jesus, not an unplanned interlude or an unfortunate shortening of her earthly life. Neither has it been so for the connected hundreds brought near and mentored by the Holy Spirit in the matters of The Creator of all and life eternal. Each one lovingly wounded directly or vicariously, each one experiencing His faithfulness, each one hearing and seeing more clearly new outlines of the Infinite, now drawn closer where blindness and deafness had formerly prevented.

Continuing to wait...

2011-03-09T08:30:00.001-05:00

Psalm 27, which Martha calls “my cancer psalm” concludes with:

“Wait for the Lord;

Be strong, and let your heart take courage;

Wait for the Lord!”

And she continues to wait, courageously, graciously, gratefully, and usually with remarkable patience toward the challenges of the cancer and her very great weakness now. In the beginning she prayed to “be able to do this cancer thing well” and she is doing it so very well for His glory.

And all of us continue to be profoundly thankful for abounding grace and peace to our Lord Jesus and to each of you who continues to pray so faithfully for us and to send such loving messages, emails and other encouragements, like the very cheerful bouquet of flowers we discovered on the front porch Monday morning and a beautiful gerbera daisy another dayJ. We pray God’s many blessings on each of you!

In His immense love, her parents.

Waiting...

2011-02-28T14:05:00.000-05:00

We continue to find it a great privilege to be caring for Martha here, in the anguish of watching her body become increasingly frail and weak, in the joy of knowing that she will soon be with her Lord, and in the experiencing of grace and peace to all three of us which truly passes all understanding.

We are very grateful that she has been able to remain in her own home here and we are also immensely grateful for your prayers and many expressions of love and comfort. Please continue to pray that our Lord will bring her very soon into His healing presence and for grace and peace while she waits.

In His grip, her parents

Tears from Two Rivers-Reflections by Martha's Dad

2011-02-27T10:25:00.001-05:00

Standing behind Him weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, Luke 7, verse 38. Whenever the Lord draws close, we respond with awe and wonder falling down as did John on the Isle of Patmos. More often than not we respond also with weeping as did the woman forgiven when the Spirit comes and Jesus is present. We sense anew that our Rescuer and Defender is near. Tears of gratitude flow as a great river of joy and thanksgiving.

So it is for us when our love for Martha consciously mingles with the sight of her disabling symptoms of cancer, both within the Holy Spirit’s palpable embrace and reassurances. Sweet destructions within the Sovereign’s intentions for Paradise soon to be realized for another of His own.

All His breakers and waves wash over, Psalm 42, verse 7, Martha and each of us holding her hands…some of us physically present, others a thousand miles distant. All caught in the love enabled purposes of God as His waves wash over.

A second great river of tears has its source in watching the destruction of Martha’s body: more feeble mobility, progressive weightlessness and energy loss and words and expressions that grow scarce, barely connecting us together. A grain of wheat dying into the ground wrapped and safe in the Jesus promise of new life and greater fruit bearing, John 12, verse 24.

This river also remembers a little blonde girl with a big smile and enough spunk to climb toy shelves six feet from the floor wiping them clean of all they possessed. Not to be forgotten however are the scores of lives drawn into the Savior’s loving embrace by her recently exercised gifts of bold love, transparency and words of courage ‘It is what it is’, as she trusts the One who was the first grain of wheat to go into the ground and die that others might truly live.

Two rivers, one of gratitude and thanksgiving born under grace given by our only Rescuer and Defender; one river born of the earth and our humanity, made up of grief, mourning and transient loss. Rivers that mingle and join, flow into one and take us to the very gates of the City of God.

Coming Softly-Reflections by Martha's Dad-Friday, February 25, 2011

2011-02-25T14:15:00.001-05:00

Almost imperceptibly, silently and singing songs of praise they come softly among us bringing their message of His holiness and comforting assurance. How many are you? Do you carry, or are you creating, a faintly heard sound of familiar hymnody?

Resting in the promises of the One who is all in all; resting and listening for His next orchestrations, we wait.

Love you and love you too exchanged with whispers and tender cheek brushings; these the bold sounds and highest expressions in the surrounding silences we inhabit and rest in as we attend always to the gentle words of Jesus.

Gathered in retreat mode to pray, we listen and read His eternal Words aloud, enriched by His imperative to be still and know that He is God, the Awesome One among us by His spirit, ever attentive to our needs spoken and unspoken as we journey together with Martha from this world to the door of the next.

We drop our busy hands, still our doubting hearts and listen for His words of true and perfect healing for the diminishing one we keep vigil with. Martha’s thin spoken ‘Moms’ in the darkness of the night, monitor whispers of her love needs, soon satisfied by the alert one who gave her birth, alert even then to her first whispers and now the more. Behind her ministrations of love and service stands Jesus whose grace strengthens and encourages.

Coming softly, coming faithfully, the heavenly host will soon carry Martha home. Expectantly, all eyes are turned heavenward from whence cometh our help, from the same Lord and Father of all the saints who promises that ‘blessed are they who do His commandments, that their authority will be over the Tree of Life, and they may enter in by the gates into the city’ Rev 22, verse 14. Maranatha.

Updates: Etsy and Me

2011-02-18T16:48:00.004-05:00

Okay, I don’t feel right about posting updates about my Etsy shop on here, so my siblings developed a public Facebook page for me that will be a good way to keep in touch with what is going on with the shop and when new artwork is posted.

My siblings have been hard at work and they have been posting new artwork on a regular basis.

Ways to access the Etsy shop:
---You can click on the orange Etsy button on the right side of this page, while you’re on the Etsy page you could add it to your favorites list so you don’t “lose it.”

--- If you are on Facebook already, you can go HERE, sign in, and then “like” my page. After you like my page, it will show you in your news feed when new art is added to the Etsy shop.

For His children and for those who are ministering to them.
Martha

P.S. I am getting very, very weak and I think Jesus is coming for me very, very, soon. Thank you for all of your love and prayers and support for me and my family and friends.

Praise God for your Prayers and encouragement! EDITED

2011-02-16T13:13:00.029-05:00

Here are two updates, one from my parents, and a short one from me.

Parents:
Thank God for your continued prayer support and many expressions of love and encouragement!

This past Sunday was glorious. Martha’s pastor gathered a small group from her church to come to her home.

It was a very special time to sing the music which Martha chose in (Jan. 2010) for her memorial service, hear encouragement from Hebrews, and administer the membership vows to her for joining the local church (she had never been able to complete the membership class due to scheduling and illness conflicts), and to take Communion.

How lovely it was to hear this precious bride of Christ say “I do,” again, and again, in response to her vows of commitment to Jesus and to His body in this local church! And what a joy to be reminded that she belongs to Him and not to us (much as we love her)!

Martha has been significantly weaker and sleepier each day, and communication is taking more effort. Please continue to pray for her relief from various discomforts and soon perfect healing in His presence.

On Sunday, in the early morning hours, probably around 4:30-5 am, Martha called us because she was extremely cold and could not stop shaking, so we wrapped her in more blankets, held her and prayed and read Psalms for probably an hour before she was warm enough to sleep again…she has had many challenges with her internal thermostat before but never for so long. Several hours later she was too warm.

Sunday night’s testimony makes it ever clearer that Jesus is using Martha for His kingdom purposes and, though she is in the midst of this ‘story’ right now, it is ultimately not about her, us or her church but all about our all-sufficient and only God, our Savior, “who is able to keep you from stumbling and to make you stand in the presence of His glory, blameless with great joy.” (Jude 24-5).

Rejoicing in His grip and Love! Martha’s Parents

From Martha:
My wonderful nurse said today that she would not be surprised if she got "the call" from my family any time now because of physical symptoms that she can see clearly by looking at me, and because of these crazy symptoms I’ve been having. I'm ready.

I had a startlingly difficult experience last night that indicates tremendous progress of the cancer.

Meanwhile my caretakers with Hospice and my parents continue to be just incredible.

Meanwhile God, even in times like last night’s difficulty, is keeping me in His peace and protecting me with His grace.

In His grip, Martha

Nearing LIFE

2011-02-05T18:26:00.000-05:00

Well, my body appears to be well into the last stages of “life” and it’s definitely preparing to Transition to Life sometime soon.

If you read the Hospice info (http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html) on end stages of physical shut down, you know that sleeping a whole lot more is one of the stages, as is not having energy to talk much or to participate in conversations, as is saying goodbye to people--for the last time before we meet again in Heaven, as is decreased food and water intake....

I am easing peacefully into lying in bed drifting in out of being awake and asleep for most of each day. This is a new change as of the last couple days. I like it.

If you asked me what I did all day, I’d say hang out with my parents who are helping me tremendously, take medicine, sleep, and lie in bed. I either lie in my own bed or in a nice hospital bed that moves up and down by a handheld controller.

I only really get up to use the restroom or to move locations... Since I wretched so hard that something low down in my spine popped, walking has been very painful and difficult, as has changing clothes and a lot of other things. But I'll be done soon and I'll be able to walk perfectly in what will have seemed like the blink of an eye.

It is hard to find energy to write a blog post. I don’t know how many more I will be able to write, as much as I would like to continue to demystify this process by documenting it for other people.

There is a very clear sense of God’s peace in my home, with my parents, and with me. It is a precious treasure and we are very thankful for it.

God is keeping me in His grace during this waiting time... But I am still very curious, and have a strong feeling of excitement and anticipation, about what my Transition, Heaven, and Jesus will be like.

In His Grip, Martha

Etsy Store Opening and Update : )

2011-01-29T19:46:00.002-05:00

I have something I am very excited about to share. Several people in my life have been encouraging me to market my artwork for years... but I’m not the marketing type. My brother Ben masterminded the idea of starting an Etsy store to sell fine art prints of my paintings and some of my drawings. He has done an amazing job photographing my artwork with his super high quality professional camera. Another sibling will administrate the store for me and all of the proceeds will go to Arts For Life, and Doctors Without Borders.

Ben just opened the shop today, and more artwork will be added soon, please check back for more artwork over the next few weeks.

It feels really good to have artwork for sale that will help these organizations in their work to relieve suffering and bring hope to so many people.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/MarthaDepp?ref=pr_shop_more

As for me, my time feels shorter and shorter and I am living with greater and greater excitement about finding out what Heaven will be like. I wonder what Jesus will look like when I see Him? I wonder many, many things, all kinds of things, with a heart filled with hope and peace, thanks to His overwhelming grace.

In His Grip, For His Glory, Martha

Mercy???

2011-01-26T16:00:00.002-05:00

For the last few weeks I have been struggling deeply with the Mercy Promise that God made me.

It hasn’t been feeling like He’s being merciful. It felt to me like He wasn’t keeping His promise. His promise wasn't making any sense.

For nearly two years I have been trying to guess what the fulfillment of this promise would look like in my life, and at times I thought I knew, but I was wrong.

This morning, I was talking with my wise (and wonderful) hospice nurse and God used our conversation to show me what the fulfillment of His mercy promise will look for me. (And if I’m wrong, He will forgive me for thinking I know, but this time I’m sure that this is something He has shown me).

This morning my nurse and I had our usual reporting/reflecting/question session. Toward the end of our conversation, I said that based on how dramatically my body has changed just in the last week, and how fast my body is deteriorating, I can’t imagine that it will be more than a few more weeks, or a month at most, before I go Home.

She responded by agreeing that things are happening rapidly and said she didn’t know how long my body will tolerate it’s current condition, she said she didn’t know if my body will try to tolerate it because I’m so ready and because I’m so at peace with “dying.”

As I was reflecting on her comment, which I found very encouraging, I felt like I finally understood what the Mercy Promise means.

It means that because of the work God has done in my spirit, mind, and body over the last two years, my parts are all unified. So as I continue to deteriorate physically, my mind and spirit won’t fight my body and cause all of the physical chaos that people with terminal illnesses so often experience.

Instead, as my body deteriorates, it will be free to do it in a gentle and peaceful way, with permission from and my mind and spirit.

I picture myself moving with ease and grace from life to Life. I don’t see a huge “fight,” or a horrendous “struggle,” I don’t see any massive issues to be afraid of, and I am not afraid—I’m not afraid to wait for the right time and I’m not afraid to Transition.

And yes, I am suffering. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, last night I wretched so hard it made my something in my lower spine/right hip (the one that already hurts a lot) crack or pop so loudly I both heard it and felt it, and the pain was so excruciating that I had to get help lifting my legs onto my bed.

Yes, my physical situation is grim, but it is not nearly as grim as many of those with terminal cancer. Yes, it could be infinitely worse.

It is such a huge gift to understand this.
It is, in itself, such a miracle to be given such a clear idea of what His promise to me means.

And, as always, thank you so very much for all of your thoughtful and encouraging comments, and for your prayer for me and my family. We are very thankful.

In His Grip, Martha

Another Update

2011-01-25T13:08:00.006-05:00

I guess it’s update time again.

There isn’t a ton to say. My body continues to deteriorate, I continue longing to go Home, my energy continues to decrease, I continue to struggle with which medications to take when, I continue to pray for a clot—a quick and easy way out....

There is one thing that I crave more than almost anything else; to gulp down a giant glass of ice cold water. I’m thirsty all the time but can’t drink more than sips of water. If I drink more than two medium size gulps at a time, it makes me nearly vomit.

Crushed ice tastes better than any ice cream ever did, and it is cold, and it slows down my intake, so I’ve been able to enjoy ice chips.

I’ve been sleeping terribly every night, partly because of lower back pain, I have almost no energy during the day, it takes effort to talk in the late afternoon/evening, and the nausea gets a lot worse throughout the day—even with anti-nausea meds.

I’ve lost interest in a lot of things, little things like checking http://www.craftgawker.com/ each day, as I have for months. Small tasks often seem overwhelming and it’s often hard to find energy for them.

Really, I just want to be done. This cancer thing has gotten a lot harder in the last week, and I desperately want to be done.

In a sense I suppose it’s like being in the last few weeks of a pregnancy (speaking on the basis of observation only), only I’m waiting to be delivered into Life, Joy, His presence, and Perfect Healing.

Please pray for me. It is excruciating to wait. I often find myself opening my eyes hoping to see Jesus coming for me.

Please pray for my dear family who I’m visiting and who are bringing me ice chips and Ensure, reading to me, and being very loving.

Please pray for mercy.
Thank you very much, Martha

Update

2011-01-20T18:38:00.004-05:00

Well, I had a meeting with my wonderful nurse yesterday morning.

The bottom line is that:
-I’ve lost three more pounds since last Friday.

-I find my heart beating fast after minimal exertion; this is probably because my body is breaking down, including my muscles, my body is already using its reserve resources, and my heart is trying to compensate.

-I have something vascular and very painful going on in my left arm. Whatever it is makes me unable to straighten my arm all the way, is causing veins to hurt, and seems like it could be The Clot. The Clot= the one that could take me home. I’m hopeful about this one because not only is it bigger and more extensive than the others I’ve had, but it’s also in my left arm, which is closer to my heart than any of the others I’ve had.

-With the potential bowel obstruction that is building and the potential clot, please pray that the clot will win; it would be so much easier.

Meanwhile:

-I’m hanging out with my family right now.

-I am very tired and very weak.

-I have learned how to make yarn out of t-shirts, something I’d never heard of before seeing it on HERE and finding THIS tutorial. Note: The first link is a site that puts up new crafts every day, so the t-shirt yarn thing may be several days back... The resulting yarn is very soft and seems like it should be very nice to crochet with... Making t-shirt yarn is very easy and fun, and a great way to recycle t-shirts.

-I am glad to be in the actively deteriorating physically stage rather than the facing months and months of ambiguity stage.

-Please keep praying for grace and wisdom and comfort.

In His Grip, Martha

Thank You VERY Much....

2011-01-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

I’m afraid to post this because I’m afraid people might stop praying and I’ll start feeling horrible immediately : )

Not only is the 102.5 fever/body temperature regulation issue from yesterday error gone, but so are the cold chills, the nausea, and the pain—at least for now... And I was able to take my pain med without having any nausea from it, which was awesome.

In addition, I slept for four hours straight for the first time in at least a week, and I only woke up a total of three times—as opposed to five to seven times. It was AMAZING.

The variability involved in this process is unbelievable.

I just wanted you to know that I feel way better than I did yesterday and I believe it’s because of Divine intervention. Thank you very, very, very much for your prayers for me.

But please, please, please don’t stop praying.

Please Pray

2011-01-16T20:00:00.003-05:00

I need prayer for wisdom. I’m having new symptoms and old symptoms which are making me feel pretty weird.

I’m having sets of symptoms I can’t treat with meds because, for example, the pain med I would take would increase the existing nausea. Therefore, the whole comfort care thing is not working for me right now.

I’m having pretty rapid symptom changes too, the most bothersome is waking me up every hour all night long, preventing me from getting any halfway decent sleep, which is making me fatigued, which is increasing my other symptoms.

I really need some relief.

Last time I asked for prayer, I was amazed by how God moved. Please pray again.

Thanks, Martha

Some Pretty Things

2011-01-13T20:36:00.004-05:00

Some friends gave me these lovely tulips this week.

This is a hat I crocheted. It’s the magnum opus of my crocheted hats. I made about ten other hats along the way and learned something from each one that added to the skill set I needed to make this one. (The colors in this image are not accurate... I'm not quite sure what happened)

My Favorite part is the four color spiral at the top, where I began the hat. If you want to know how to start a multicolor spiral, check out THIS LINK.

I also like the border because of its subtle picot pattern.... This picture also shows the colors most accurately, except the darker purple is a true dark violet-purple and what looks like black is actually a deep indigo blue....

Here is a similar hat in progress: You work each of the colors for so many stitches and then repeat, repeat, repeat, so you have the ends of each color hanging loose until you’re finished. I may try one with six colors, just for fun.

I’m still having mostly good days, tinged with the digestive crud. The hip pain is still pretty terrible—and much worse later in the day.

It’s really hard to know what’s going on with this stuff. There is definitely enough crud to make me think the partial bowel obstruction is a reality, and I am definitely only drinking water and Ensure, but the whole thing is variable enough that it’s hard to get a grasp on.

Trying to understand this physical process is kind of like trying to catch a slippery fish with your hands; you can feel it and see it but you can’t quite get a hold of it.... : )

I’m still praying for a clot instead of the bowel obstruction (and every time I type that, I type “bowl” and then imagine of all the ways a bowl of cereal could be obstructed—cheerio dams etc).....

I treated myself to two humidifiers today (two because I don't want to have to move one back and forth between the front of my house during the day, and my bedroom at night). I’ve been coughing and coughing, to the point where I almost vomited several times a few nights ago... My wonderful nurse brother suggested that my house is very, very dry and the dry environment could be causing the coughing. I never thought of that; it’s a knee jerk reaction at this point to blame everything on the cancer... I can’t wait to see how the humidifier works...

Also, I’ve gotten a huge number of very, very, very encouraging, kind, and thoughtful emails and comments on here recently—they are really super awesome and I really appreciate them. Thank you!

Peace, Martha

Consternation

2011-01-11T14:38:00.007-05:00

This is a post mostly about stuff I really do not want to write about, but which I feel like I have to write...

I have been hearing a lot of direct questions about why I’ve chosen to be in my own home while I’m dying, and I’ve been hearing second hand consternation from people who aren’t talking to me directly, and I’m tired of defending myself.

So, of the million reasons why I’ve chosen to be in my home, and the hospice home if need be, while I’m dying, here are a few:

-This is where I want to be.

-This is where I feel peaceful and right about being.

-I have not only bent over backwards, I’ve twisted in circles, tied myself in knots, and stood on my head trying to make this process easier for people around me, and trying to be available to spend time with people for the last two years. So if this last part of the process is inconvenient for some people, so be it.

-Dying is very hard work mentally/emotionally/physically, so now I am making myself available to myself and God to do the work that needs to be done. Time alone has always been crucial for me, as an introvert, and now it’s absolutely critical as a dying introvert.

-Here is a quote from http://www.hospicenet.org/ on the well-researched end of life stages of relationships, which can start happening long before the last few weeks of “life”:

"Decreased Socialization
The person may only want to be with a very few or even just one person. This is a sign of preparation for release and affirms from whom the support is most needed in order to make the appropriate transition. If you are not part of this inner circle at the end, it does not mean you are not loved or are unimportant. It means you have already fulfilled your task with your loved one, and it is the time for you to say Good-bye. If you are part of the final inner circle of support, the person needs your affirmation, support, and permission." (LINK)

If you have more questions, please use this hospice site as a resource. I’ve shared it many times but I don’t know if people are using it....

It is what it is. If you’re not involved any more/right now, don’t take it personally, this is normal.

-I am making this decision for myself, after praying about it. It’s not a question of making people happy or making things easy for everyone else any more (although I do try when I am able to). If people are happy, that’s wonderful. If people aren’t happy, take your unhappiness to God and let Him help you with it.

I am dying and my needs as I die are a higher priority than making people happy.

-This city has been my home for over three years, and it’s the first place that has felt like home to me in fifteen years. My community is here, my church is here, and my ministry is here. This is my home and this is my space.

-This is where my spaces are for creating art, it is where I feel best making art.

-This where all of my earthly possessions are.

-This is where my hospice care team is. I am NOT going to move somewhere that is not my home and try to summon the energy to form the kind of relationships I already have with my current hospice team.

I have spent over four months forming relationships with my team here, including communicating my philosophy of dying and end of life care with my team and answering questions from them about what my wishes are.

Why would I want to do that all over again when it’s already done? That would be foolish and an absolute waste of the small amount of energy I have.

-Along the hospice care lines: I need my family to love me and support me and affirm me. I need my hospice care team to support me and care for my physical needs. It is not my family’s job to wipe my rear and bathe me. Over my dead body (Ha ha, get it?). I think separating those areas of responsibility is very healthy and I think it will make everything easier for all of those involved.

-I have safeguards in place—two friends with keys to my house who my nurse can call to let her in, in case of emergency, a bed (and extra tea bags) for my parents if they need to come up here at any time of day or night, people who can do errands etc for me if needed, people lined up to take care of my wonderful dog... Etc.

-I don’t feel like I should have to defend my position, so here it is for the whole world. I hope this is the last time I have to go over this.

-The bottom line is that you can take a pancake tortoise out of it’s desert habit and put it in the ocean, or you can take a sea turtle and put it in the desert, or you could even set up terrariums with the right environments for each of them, but it won’t be RIGHT, it won’t be the real thing, and they won’t thrive in the wrong environment or a synthetic environment.

I’m going to choose where I will be while I’m dying, and I’ll let you choose where you would like to be while you are dying.
__________________________________________________

One last thought, while I’m on consternation:
Over the last few weeks, mixed in with all of my super-encouraging, helpful, loving, thoughtful, amazing communications from people (for which I'm very thankful), I’ve gotten a few emails from people who are contacting me for the first time in many years simply because I’m dying and they feel like terrible friends.

I haven’t really known how to respond.
Part of me wants to say that they should have been living all of that time without regrets, and if, at some point along the way, they felt they should have communicated, then they should have.

Part of me wants to say that God used the vast majority of my female friends who got married or moved away and fell off the face of the earth to teach me that friends come and go, and that I need to hold relationships loosely—and that is very helpful to me now.

What I have been saying is thanks for your letter, no worries, peace be with you.

The point of all of this is to say if your path naturally or unnaturally diverges from a friend’s path, either do whatever it takes to fix it or make sure things are healed and move on at that point, not way down the road.

We all need to live with no regrets.
We need to live so we could die tomorrow and not leave anyone in pain.
We need to do what we need to do to keep things right with people.
We need to take care of our own issues/needs/etc and not put them on someone else.

It is also true, as you know if you read the above hospice information on relationships at the end of life, that the circles of people who I have the energy and need to communicate with, or be with, has gotten smaller and smaller and smaller. It isn’t anything personal toward anyone; it’s what has to happen when your resources are limited in every way.

If I died tomorrow, or right now, I would not have any regrets about anyone who has been in my life at any point: God has gone over the things I know of that needed to be healed and they are healed. So if you’re reading this, please know that I hold/held nothing against you, and that I died in peace toward you. That goes for every single person who reads this.
____________________________________________

Meanwhile, I must be in the quiet part of the intermittent bowel obstruction because my digestive tract has been relatively peaceful since Friday or Saturday.

My parents came up this past weekend and we got a two year burden off my shoulders—in the form of sorting, throwing, and giving away all of the excess stuff in my house, so my house will be easy to deal with after I am Home. I even got through all of my paperwork. It was amazing and it was the first time I’ve had energy to do anything that physically intense in at least three months. It was incredible and it feels incredible to know it is done.

The trade off on the organized and cleaned out house is intense hip pain. My right hip flared all the way back up to where it was LAST JUNE and it is/was unbelievable. At this point, I don’t think the pain is going to go all the way away but if I rest it and don’t stress it, it’s mostly bearable.

My understanding of this break from the bowel obstruction mess is that it’s a reprieve God has given me to get things done—like the house sorting and finishing a bunch of paintings I’ve been struggling to finish.

I’ll take it for as long as it lasts and ask for grace for whatever is next.

Which reminds me, speaking of what is next.... It struck me as stupid to be praying for a clot to take me home gently, quickly, and easily while taking aspirin daily to thin my blood, so I’ve stopped taking it. If you have a bone to pick with this, talk to God, not me.

Okay, I’m exhausted and going to sleep.

Please don’t feel any need to defend me etc, I’m done with this.

I hope this isn’t my last post because I really don’t enjoy dealing with this stuff.

Peace and love to everyone, everywhere. Martha

End Almost in Sight

2011-01-05T18:50:00.007-05:00

I’m having a hard time organizing this post, so please bear with me.
It’s a “heavy” post, and I’m trying to be gentle and concise...

I met with my hospice people today.
We went over my symptoms from the last two weeks.

The Bottom Line:
-They feel quite certain that all of the symptoms I am experiencing are because of a bowel obstruction. Bowel obstructions are the leading cause of actual “death” in women with ovarian cancer. HERE is a link to brief information on bowel obstructions.

-I have lost five pounds since December 17th, which makes me now only 112 pounds. This is, as the math people out there know, a large percentage of my body weight. My body is already using its reserves, even with all of the Ensure it is getting...

-We have a care plan in place, and I have family and friends in place, to take care of my needs between now and when I go Home. For this, I feel abundantly blessed and loved and incredibly thankful.

***A cool story about God’s involvement in the details:
I need some stuff from the store.
I decided to call a friend to see if she could go to the store for me.
Within an hour, before I got anywhere close to calling her, she called me.
We haven’t talked for a month or so, so this was pretty amazing.
Said friend is going to get my stuff for me tomorrow.
How cool is that?

The Long Version:
In addition to the above...
-This bowel obstruction stuff was described to me as real, end stage, disease process.

-It may be intermittent for a while and the symptoms may come and go.
-Based on how fast all of the superficial cancer is growing in my upper body, it’s likely that the internal cancer in my abdomen is also growing fast.

-Based on that, and the fact that as the tumors in my abdomen grow they will shift things around, push on things, squash things etc, I should expect my symptoms to be unpredictable—right now my major symptoms are pain, nausea, and substantial digestive crud.

-Right now, this moment, I feel okay. Earlier today, I felt terrible. This symptom stuff is highly variable.

-Based on all of the above, I am reminding myself of what I know to be true of God so I don’t slip into fear and terror of what a bowel obstruction could do, and I am exhilarated by knowing that there is an end somewhere in partial sight—it feels kind of like seeing the sun glowing through haze on an overcast day... I can’t wait until it comes radiating through and burns all of the haze and clouds away, forever.

-I am also reminding myself that my hospice team will make sure I suffer as little as possible.
-I am also reminding myself that there are many people praying for me, that He is hearing you/them, and that He doesn’t turn a deaf ear to our pleas.

-Our care plan is for me to be at my home for as long as I can be here comfortably, and then when my symptoms become more severe, I’ll go into the hospice home where I will get care twenty-four hours a day, anytime I need it.

-Most people, by the time they would go into the hospice home with symptoms like I will probably have, don’t have any desire to eat.
-I have already chosen not to have IV fluids or IV nutrition: I want to go Home ASAP.
-Hospice will make sure that I am comfortable.
-Most people who are not eating or drinking die within two weeks.
-For me, it may be longer because I am young and my heart is strong.
-For me, it may be shorter (hopefully it will be shorter) because I am already losing weight and weakening, and my system is very compromised.

Meanwhile, when I first heard “bowel obstruction” this morning it hit me like a freight train because of what I know about them, because I thought God’s promise of mercy precluded a bowel obstruction, and simply because even though the thought had occurred to me several times in the last few weeks, two medical professionals were quite sure that I’m beginning one.

Then, and I don’t pretend to understand this completely, I was given peace as I thought about all of the ways God could show mercy, even with a bowel obstruction. I haven’t had time to really reflect on this but,
1. He could show me mercy by making this all happen rapidly and not allowing the dying process to get long and drawn out.
2. He could/and has already show/shown me mercy through the medical care He has provided that has helped ease my symptoms.
3. He could do something miraculous, such as letting a clot loose somewhere to give me an easy, instant “death.”

So I’m feeling relatively centered and peaceful at this point. I am still feeling somewhat jarred by the information but it’s settling in and being processed.

If you are praying for me, I can’t express how much I continue to need, feel, and appreciate your prayers. I felt them Sunday night after I posted my last post—in an obvious, peace-filling, mind-calming, body-helping way.

Thank you so very, very much.

On another note, a picture from my Thoughts and Stuff post came back to me today:
“As I’ve watched my life and the path God has brought me down, which has always seemed unusual to me, this cancer thing makes perfect sense as an end goal for this section of my life—the part I’m living here on earth, right now.

Sometimes I sit back and think about the things in my life that have made the least sense, the things that were the most excruciatingly painful, and they all fit together like pieces in a puzzle. This cancer thing is just the final piece. If I view my life outside the framework of this life, and instead view it within the framework of eternity, the puzzle looks perfect. Crazy sounding? Yes. But true. “

It occurred to me that here I am, exactly a year later, almost seeing Jesus finish my life puzzle. Here I am, watching as He puts this last piece of my life in its place. It’s amazing.

IN His grip, Martha

I almost forgot, I’ve had this song echoing through my head for several days now. God keeps playing it for me to remind me of what is true and to comfort me.

Stick with it for the first few seconds, while the previous song ends. Also, bear in mind that it's live performance. It is a beautiful and comforting song.

Hell and High Water

2011-01-02T17:23:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I’ve had what I consider to be a pretty damn hellish last couple weeks. It’s been bad, to the point where what’s going on with my body is so overwhelming and distracting that it’s hard to see around it, past it, or through it...

It’s been really hard to maintain hope, a halfway decent attitude, or to even cling to the belief that God really is still watching me, feeling my pain with me, or paying attention to my suffering.

Basically, it started with my losing the ability to eat solids, after which my body stabilized and was doing fine on an Ensure/water diet, then I thought it would be good to try to transition back to some solid food, which put me in the bathroom for the better part of several days and in a ton of abdominal pain, after which my body stabilized again for about five or six days, so I said to myself, “I’ll eat a damn pistachio if I want to.” and did...

In fact, I ate three whole pistachios (the ones that are about half an inch long) in one day. I felt okay, so the next day I ate three peanuts.

The next morning I woke up in agony, with abdominal pain so intense that it made me feel nauseous and faint and restarted all of the digestive drama (is that discreet enough?), except it was worse this time. I spent all day that day lying in bed half awake and half asleep, wishing I could be Done.

Then, a few days later, I really started to feel better, except for some reason I almost vomited when I was brushing my teeth in the morning. Well that night, after taking my previously-miraculous-and-wonderful pain killer, I got out of bed at about 3am and vomited all over the place. It was so bad it took me thirty minutes just to clean it up.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of nausea—even though I haven’t taken the pain meds again, weakness, no-energy-ness, abdominal drama, and problems sleeping because of all of the above.

So, no solid food will ever come into my mouth again if I have anything to do with it.

The three (3) pistachios were last Monday and the three (3) peanuts were last Tuesday, it’s now Sunday, and I’m just now feeling un-nauseated, almost re-hydrated, and somewhat stable.

The pain medicine issue is something I and my hospice team will need wisdom for fixing.

I know that’s a lot of detail and complaining; the point is that when my body gets that incredibly distressed, it’s really hard to maintain a strong grasp on God’s love for me, and that He is in this with me.

In an effort to get my attitude/focus somewhat back together I read Psalms 120-130 this morning. I just decided to read Psalms and those chapters are where God took me as I read.

Anyway, it was extremely helpful because it reminded me who this God is who has my life in His hands:
He is the God who answers me.
He is the God who delivers me.
He is the One who helps me.
He made Heaven and Earth.
He keeps me.
He does not slumber or sleep.
He is my Keeper.
He provides shade for me.
He will keep me from all evil.
He will keep my life now and forevermore.
He will have mercy on me. (Even when it doesn’t feel like it)
He is on my side.
He will not hand me over to what seeks to overwhelm me.
He surrounds me now and forevermore.
He does great things for me.
He is the source of all my blessings.
With Him is steadfast love and faithfulness.
With Him is abundant deliverance.

(A possibly irritating side note: If your god can’t do all of this, she/he/it/you is/are too small, you may want to consider this One)

Then, I finally re-read my own post, Eucatastrophes and Thank You, and this part of it was helpful for me to remind myself of:

“If I were going to be really honest, I’d say that I’ve never experienced anything so horrifying and grotesque as having cancer. I can’t possibly describe how shocking and disgusting some of its effects on my body have been. I can’t describe how painful cancer is on an emotional and psychological level.

If I were going to be really honest, I’d say that this time while I’ve had cancer has been the time in my life where I’ve most tangibly felt the presence of God, where I’ve heard His voice speak to me for the first time in my life, where He has met me over and over in so many specific ways through people, conversations, scripture, and reading, and where I’ve experienced so much of life so much more fully than ever before. And all of this—this is the part of this process that has been breathtaking in its beauty.”

True, right now the first paragraph feels more accurate right now, but it’s also true that the second paragraph continues to be true right now as well, even though/when it doesn’t feel like it.

I guess this whole post is a request for your prayer...
For the ability to keep what God has shown me to be true in focus no matter what is going on with my body.
For grace to be gracious and others focused and not just a whiner focused only on myself.
For wisdom for what I should be doing and where I should be living.
For God to take me Home as soon as He possibly will/can.

Thank you for all of your love and support and prayers.
In His Grip (even when it doesn’t feel like it), Martha

TWO years. Two Whole Years...

2010-12-29T06:00:00.026-05:00

Today is my two year cancerversary. I’m glad today is not December 23, December 29, or December 31, last year. I’m also glad it’s not December 29, 2008, or January 2009.

I am glad to be where I am, as opposed to where I have been, even with the impatience and the fatigue and the wanting to be done with all of this cancer (curse word).

My Eucatastrophe and Thank You post still sums up my thoughts and feelings about my process.

Somehow I need to figure out how to be glad to be here, for however long I’m still here, instead of feeling like I’m making up stuff do to while I’m waiting to go Home.

I have recently had the terrifying thought that this cancer (curse word) could drag out for another year, or several more years.

Part of my struggle with being here is that I have this mental picture of “death,” of the final Transition Home, and I have more and more limitations here.

Oh well, that’s it for now.

Today is also my parents’ 48th wedding anniversary. My parents are an outstanding example for their ten children and they are responsible for instilling in us the mental, emotional, and spiritual resources we continue to grow in. One of the most awesome things about my parents, for me, is their ongoing desire for personal change and transformation as they seek God's direction for their lives.

I will always think I have the most amazing parents in the world.

Peace and many thanks to all of you for all of your support, prayer, and encouragement throughout the last two years... Martha

Christmas

2010-12-24T12:04:00.002-05:00

May the Peace and Joy He offers fill your heart and mind today, tomorrow, and every other day.
This is what Jesus did for me, and continues to do for me, and this is why I celebrate Christmas:

Lord Jesus, come yourself, and dwell with us, be human as we are, and overcome what overwhelms us. Come into the midst of my evil, come close to my unfaithfulness. Share my sin, which I hate and which I cannot leave. Be my brother, Thou Holy God. Be my brother in the kingdom of evil and suffering and death. Come with me in my death, come with me in my suffering, come with me as I struggle with evil. And make me holy and pure, despite my sin and death.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Peace, Martha

Stuff and (Curse Words)

2010-12-21T15:04:00.002-05:00

Several things:
--My scar is healing beautifully. It looks amazing. I still haven't had any post-surgical pain, which is awesome.

--I can’t eat solid food; not even saltines, rice, or pasta. I can’t drink anything other than Ensure and water.

I ate four bites of plain spaghetti with a minute amount of cheese and margarine, and thirty-six hours later, I’m just now feeling a little bit better.

There could be a shared cause between the digestive (curse word) and these (curse word) clots. See following....

-- I’ve been learning about clots this past week. This information sums up what appears to be going on in my (curse word) body most concisely:

Some types of lung, stomach and bowel cancers produce a substance called MUCIN. This mucous substance increases your risk of developing a blood clot. If you have cancer of the pancreas, bowel, lung, stomach, ovary, or womb, you are at a slightly higher increased risk of developing a blood clot. (Source)

Trousseau Syndrome: Mucin that activates clots in certain cancers that is associated with venous thrombosis and hypercoagulability; the blood may spontaneously form clots in the portal vessels, the deep veins of the extremities (such as the leg), or the superficial veins anywhere on the body. These clots present as visibly swollen blood vessels (vasculitis), especially the veins, or as intermittent pain in the affected areas; marantic/non bacterial thrombotic endocarditis. (Source)

Basically, it appears that this mucin is my problem. The bottom line is that the tumors in my body shed their malignant outer surface cells and these cells get into my bloodstream and mess my blood and digestive systems up. (Source)

It’s okay to only be able to drink Ensure and water when I’m home with Dresden; it’s a lot harder when I’m with other people who are eating and drinking all kinds of delicious things that I want to enjoy with them. Even when I’m at home, I can’t have the few things I was still able to eat a couple weeks ago...

--As for the clots in my arm and leg, they appear to be resolved or resolving. My left foot started hurting very badly on Saturday and I began putting Arnica gel on it... It took away a bit of the pain and I’m pretty sure it somehow helped prevent whatever was trying to start going on there. So that’s good, and it's something I'll know to do in the future.

That’s what’s going on with that stuff.

--I’ve also been having some insanely intense chills that last for hours and hours—and don’t stop until I sit in a bathtub of hot water for about thirty minutes or put socks on my hands and feet and get under a mountain of blankets.

I never knew my body could get so cold. The weird thing is that after I begin to warm up, my body often feels like someone turned up an internal furnace about twenty degrees, usually for about fifteen minutes to an hour. It’s very strange.

--I think that’s enough for one blog post.

I’m ready to be Home and it’s extremely difficult to keep this (curse word) in perspective right now.

I’m ready to be done with clots and mucin and Ensure and being exhausted all of the time and my hip hurting and random veins hurting and digestive anguish and cold chills etc etc etc.

In His Grip, Martha

Clot #2 and Thank You

2010-12-16T11:35:00.001-05:00

First, thank you very, very, very much for praying for my recovery from the general anesthesia. The problems I had were actually not from the anesthesia but were almost certainly from eating at Wendy’s last Tuesday. It could have also been a virus. Regardless, it was way worse than recovering from general anesthesia and it is better now.

I’m about to eat my first non-liquid food since Monday night. I’ve been drinking chocolate ensures and water since Tuesday morning... My stomach has been feeling much better on this diet than when I was eating other foods, but I guess I should start eating some gentle food again.

It is really good to feel better. Thank you for praying for me.

Second, the off and on pain in my right bicep for the last 4-6 weeks turned into a blood clot in the fold of my elbow this week. Side note: why is clot such a disgusting word, just as a word, apart from what a clot actually is?

The first lump/clot was there for several days and yesterday a second lump/clot formed a little bit below the first one. Here’s a picture of where they are. The little black dot at the bottom indicates where the vein softens again. From the dot up to the first clot, the vein is ropey and taut. If you look carefully you can see the slight discoloration along the vein...

I also have pre-clot pain in my left upper leg. Hey, if I can go Home by the ways a clot would take me instead of the ways tumors etc would take me, it would be wonderful.

Meanwhile, these clots hurt quite a bit at times. Pain meds help; just don’t grab my arm or knee me in the leg (like my dog accidentally did yesterday)...

Meanwhile, I’ve been crocheting a ton and will post pictures soon of what I’ve been making. Today is a painting day.

Peace, Martha

Still Marveling...

2010-12-12T16:03:00.004-05:00

I’ve spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (surgery) pain free... I still have the lower back pain and the slowly resolving aftermath of general anesthesia, but no post-surgical pain from the tumor/golf ball removal.

Friday night, after feeling wonderful and pain free all day, while I was at a performance of Handel’s Messiah listening to my dad and others singing, I had two thoughts...

One was: What will it be like to be in the worshipping multitude surrounding the Throne—singing the Hallelujah Chorus and the other songs in Revelation, singing with voices like I heard Friday night, physically in the presence of God?

I closed my eyes during several of the choruses and hoped I’d open them in Heaven... It didn’t work. But it felt like I was there. It really felt like I was there in His presence filled with joy.

The second thought was: Did I really have surgery yesterday? What if I’m not in any pain because there’s no incision? The golf ball is gone but what is under this bandage? Is there an incision under this bandage? I'm SUPPOSED to be in pain. WHERE IS THE POST-SURGICAL PAIN??? (Not that I wanted it, it just didn't make any sense.)

When I got home Friday night, I took off my bandage from the surgery, as I had been instructed to do, and there was/is indeed an incision. There is an incision and nice neat layers of carefully placed special surgical tape to reinforce the stitches for the first week or so.

So, my body was cut open, the tumor/golf ball was taken out, and I was sewn back up after considerable surgical stuff (for lack of a better word or risking grossing anyone out) and I’m not in pain.

AND all of that happened under general anesthesia because the golf ball was located on bone and muscle and if I had just had local anesthesia, "I would have felt pain during the surgery," according to my surgeon.

AND my surgeon specifically told my mother after the surgery that I would probably be sore/in pain when I moved my left arm for a while because of the golf ball’s former location on the muscle/bone.

So, the only time I feel any discomfort is when I do something kind of stupid, like shutting my car door with my left hand—which uses the muscles under the incision area. But even that doesn’t hurt that much. And I can lift my left arm higher with no pain than I’ve been able to for several months.

Anyway, I’m still marveling at all of this. I am still astonished that I’m not feeling any pain while I’m sitting here typing.

The only answer big enough to explain this for me is Divine intervention in my physical body.

“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind.

Is anything too hard for me?"

Jeremiah 32:27

Please pray for fast recovery from the anesthesia. I’ll spare you the details.

In His Grip, Martha

Prayer, Surgery, Pain-YOU Tell Me!

2010-12-10T10:57:00.005-05:00

My wise hospice chaplain, told me, among many other helpful things, that I need to present the honest reality to people and not worry about their response/reaction.

So here are two sets of facts for you and you can decide what you think:
Note: The term golf ball refers to a cancerous tumor that I had on my sternum.

1.
- Prior to my golf ball removal yesterday, I have had three surgeries, one major and two “minor.”
- Both of my minor surgeries were very painful to recover from in the days following.
- I was/am expecting intense pain as part of my recovery from the golf ball removal.
- My pain med is “take every two hours, as needed.”
- The last time I took my pain med was at 1:30am last night and it is now 11:00am.
- Hundreds of people are praying for me and asking Jesus to care of me and have mercy on me.

-I am in less pain right now that I was yesterday morning BEFORE the surgery.
-I can raise my left arm higher without pain right now than I could yesterday morning before the surgery.
-I had ZERO (0) pain upon waking this morning.

You tell me, why am I in not in intense pain right now?

2.
-Last Thursday, December 2, I went to visit my surgeon about the golf ball.
-My surgeon with thirty years of experience, his nurse with many years of experience, and myself with no experience saw the stem that went from the golf ball down between my ribs on a sonogram.
-Before my surgeon even pointed it out to me on the sonogram, I distinctly and clearly saw the stem.
-He saw the same thing and pointed it out to me as the stem.
-He told me that I could have the tumor/golf ball removed if I wanted to but that he couldn’t tell me when or how fast it would grow back because it had the stem.
-Before I left, I wrote down in my notes that there was a stem.
-Before I left, I double-checked with his nurse to verify that my surgeon said it had a stem and she said yes.

-When my surgeon did surgery yesterday, Thursday, December 9, there was no stem.
-When my surgeon did surgery yesterday THERE WAS NO STEM and he was able to remove the whole entire tumor (see previous post for surgery info).

You tell me, what happened to the stem?

IT’S GONE! It’s Gone! It’s GoONe!

2010-12-09T16:22:00.004-05:00

My surgery, surgeon, and medical staff way exceeded my expectations today, it was wonderful. They were all professional, kind, and helpful.

The very best part of it? It turns out that the golf ball did NOT have a stem going down in between my ribs, it was ALL on top—Which means that my surgeon was able remove the whole entire thing and it WILL not grow back, not ever, not at any rate.

And that is a truly awesome, very incredibly cool surprise, especially after expecting the mushroom shape which would have been very likely to grow back at some rate, at some point. I think God is feeling gleeful about this right now... He likes giving me happy surprises.... “Merry Christmas, Martha.”

My surgeon did have to use general anesthesia because the golf ball was located on bone and thin muscle, not soft tissue, but, so far, other than asking my dear patient mother the same question five million times in the first hour while I was waking up, it doesn’t seem to be a big deal in terms of recovery.

There will be healing pain, and it will get worse today when all of hospital/surgery meds wear off, but whatever. I have pain medicine, it will get better in a few days, and the golf ball is GONE : )

Thank you so very much for all of your prayers.
Please keep praying for Haiti.

In His Grip, Martha

PLEASE pray for HAITI

2010-12-08T00:11:00.000-05:00

PLEASE pray for my brother and his wife and the people of Haiti. There are two brief posts HERE and HERE that will give you more information.

There is some very scary stuff going on.

Thank you, Martha

Surgery Stuff

2010-12-07T19:40:00.005-05:00

I forgot to mention that my surgery in about 37.5 hours is outpatient, will only involve local anesthesia and IV sedation (so no general or twilight anesthesia to recover from, which is really nice), and I’ll be staying with my parents after surgery for a few days.

It should be no big deal, except that I am VERY excited about getting this golf ball removed. It has grown since last week and it has been itching and hurting. I can’t take Ibuprofen until after the surgery because it’s a blood thinner, haven’t been able to take it since last Friday, and I miss it.

Note: My new pain med is working great so far, and is also awesomely helpful for the shortness of breath/coughing problems that have increased recently. It does make me a little sleepy/slow and unable to drive my car... So it puts some limitations on me... (It's not grass, in case you're wondering).

I have found that the Arnica Gel the nice lady at Whole Foods recommended works almost instantly to relieve the itching/aching of the golf ball and it takes the edge off the lower back pain... It is amazing. It is made directly from a plant AND it has no side effects. Too bad all of our meds can’t be like that. The only bad part about it is that it doesn't work for internal pain, only superficial pain.

I just wanted to clarify the surgery stuff—I would welcome prayer but don’t want anyone to spend their energy being worried.

Peace, Martha
P.S. Picture post below, a more-than-one-post-in-a-day day...

In the Past Few Weeks...

2010-12-07T19:19:00.002-05:00

Thank you to the people who took these pictures and shared them so nicely... You can click on any of them to see them larger.

Dresden got back to her inner feral dog in one of her favorite spots... I love watching how insanely happy this makes her.

I’ve been crocheting and helped teach my nieces how to crochet. I learned about ten new stitches amazingly easily by watching video tutorials like this one, and this one and this one for more complicated stitches. If you want to learn how to crochet, forget the books and diagrams and look at video tutorials, it makes it 500% easier and it’s nowhere near as headache-inducing and time-consuming... Crocheting is so relaxing it’s addictive. Maybe it channels excess energy and stress out through the fingers, whatever it does, it’s great.

I also did a lot of hanging out with family over Thanksgiving.

When I spoke with my mother one recent morning, she asked me if I was going to paint that day. I said no, because the single pane, mostly glass door next to my painting space made it too cold. Being the ever-resourceful and creative mother that she is, she suggested using an old foam mattress I’ve had leaning up in my workshop to cover the door.

It works perfectly and it is a perfect fit for covering the glass. Thanks Mom : )

Hopefully the paintings I'm working on will be finished soon and I'll be able to post pictures of them...

Surgery Date

2010-12-03T13:55:00.001-05:00

December 9, 9am.
I have to point out that it is VERY unusual to see a surgeon the day after you call to make an appt, and it is VERY unusual to have surgery within a week. The God of the Universe IS involved with me, and with the lovely people who made this happen for me.

"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
Isaiah 45:2-3

Surgeon Visit, Awesome Photograph Link

2010-12-03T13:04:00.002-05:00

I had a great visit with my surgeon and his nurse yesterday. They were both exceptionally kind and helpful. The bottom line is that the ping pong ball starts under my ribs, sneaks up in between them, and balloons out on top of my ribs... If you can picture a mushroom top with a skinny stem you’d have the jist of it... He did a sonogram of it, so I got to see it.

He said he can only remove the part above the ribs. He said he didn’t think I’d want the kind of surgery it would take to go inside my chest wall and get the whole thing. I agreed.

He said he couldn’t tell me when or how fast it might grow back. He also asked me if I am okay with having another scar. Hmmmmm, let me think about that, another scar and it might grow back, or a grapefruit stuck to me in another few months? I basically told him, what’s one more scar? When I go Home and my body is healed, it won’t have any scars. Scars schmars, death schmeath... Whatever. Scar's and death’s days are numbered anyway.

I’m waiting to hear the surgery date and I’m pretty surprised by how excited I am about getting rid of this thing. I guess that tells me how much it’s been annoying me.

On another note, check out these pictures, they will amaze you: http://justpaste.it/3ky

My question is this, after looking at the human made stuff in these pictures (it is incredible, even if not all of it is good): If God has given us the creativity to build stuff like this with the current usage of "only ten percent of our brains" that people say we use, what spectacular things will we create when He heals us and the Earth, and we can use 100% of our brains, and we use them only for good?

Peace, Martha

For Clarification

2010-12-02T10:52:00.001-05:00

Okay, when I posted the thing about asking God to take me Home between November 26 and December 10, it was supposed to be funny. I realize that it was (and still is) only funny to me, and I would be ecstatic, euphoric, and overjoyed if that did happen, but want to clarify that I was at least partly joking... Furthermore, God has changed my disposition toward being here for Christmas, so don’t worry, I’m not going to flip out or anything.

Peace, Martha

Peace/Encouragement, Lumps, Pain Meds....

2010-12-01T16:34:00.003-05:00

These are the verses that God has given me recently, for obvious reasons. He never ceases to amaze me with how clearly He shows verses like these to me:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.... As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
James 5: 7-8, 11

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans :35-39

.... I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

....I will turn their mourning into joy;
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

Thus says the LORD: "Keep your voice from weeping,
and your eyes from tears,
for there is a reward for your work,
declares the LORD...
Jeremiah 31:3, 13, 16

I’m pretty excited about tomorrow... I’m going to see a surgeon about getting the most annoying, aching, itchy one of these lumps removed-it’s growing fast and it needs to get gone. Hopefully it will be removable and hopefully he’ll be able to do the surgery soon. I’m not worried about the surgery: been there, done that. It will be inconvenient and there is a little bit of recovery but it’s a heck of a lot better than having this thing growing and growing to God only know what size during however long He's planning for me to be here. I have been trying to ignore it but it has past the ignorable level.... Removing it is a comfort measure.

Other than that, I’m going to try a new pain med because the one I have was terrible. I had some substantial pain in the last couple weeks in several places, so I tested out taking the pain med that I have... The first time it was fine and I was amazed by how cleared my body was of anything uncomfortable, but the following four or five times I had worse and worse problems with it.... Let’s just say that the first few times it kept me awake, then I had one night of waking up dripping with freezing cold sweat four or five times, and then I had another night full of cold sweats and two terrible nightmares—the first of which I couldn’t wake up from, and knew I couldn’t wake up from, until I finally did wake up after the thing had gone on and on and on.

So, hopefully the new pain med will be better. I’m usually just taking ibuprofen and it is usually fine, but sometimes I need something more... I'm not in bad pain all the time, there is usually only relatively low level stuff that needs to be taken care of, and occasionally, some worse pain.

I’m trying to get some pictures together to post... I’ve been doing some fun stuff and some creative stuff and it’s been good.

In His Grip, Martha

More Later...

2010-11-29T23:00:00.003-05:00

I am okay.
The clot in my foot has resolved itself.
I will post something soon.

Peace, Martha

Jesus and "Death"

2010-11-18T10:35:00.002-05:00

“Death” has stolen again. Last night I heard that someone who has been a huge encourager to me, and her son, have been separated from her husband suddenly. He made the Transition and they know he is Home, but what about them?

I found myself really upset emotionally for her family and trying really hard to remember what I’ve learned, what God has taught me.

I tried to remember what He taught me about unnatural disasters after the earthquake in Haiti almost a year ago, when I didn’t know if my brother and his wife were “dead” or alive. (Instead of “dead” I should say Alive at Home, as opposed to alive here).

Then I was trying to remember what He showed me only weeks ago about hope in grief.

Then I remembered something I’ve heard my pastor say several times, that this life is an hors d'oeuvre, an appetizer before the real thing; before Life eternal.

But that doesn’t make it unpainful for a loved one to Transition, it doesn’t make the grief just vanish, it doesn’t make all of the stuff surrounding a transition just not need to be done, and it doesn’t make continuing without the person not an excruciating adjustment.

This morning I saw this:

I have heard the hallelujah chorus hundreds of times; it is one of my favorite pieces of music. But today when I saw this, and heard the lyrics, what breathed hope into me was the reminder that the words of the song are true: Jesus already kicked death’s ass, and death’s days are numbered. When He comes back, He will annihilate death forever, forever and ever. There will be no more pain, no more tears, no more separation.

When I listened to this song this morning, it struck me as a triumphant battle song, a proclamation of hope and life, a reminder that He already reigns forever and ever, He will continue to reign forever and ever, and nothing in this life can overcome Him. He is more powerful than death.

Death seems so overwhelmingly powerful that, for me at least, it’s hard to remember the hope we can have.

We grieve, but we don’t grieve without hope.

Hallelujah Chorus, From Handel's Messiah.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The kingdom of this world
Is become the kingdom of our Lord,
And of His Christ, and of His Christ;
And He shall reign for ever and ever,
For ever and ever, forever and ever,
King of kings, and Lord of lords,
King of kings, and Lord of lords,
And Lord of lords,
And He shall reign,
And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings, forever and ever,
And Lord of lords,
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings! and Lord of lords!
And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings! and Lord of lords!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

General Update with Specifics

2010-11-17T14:08:00.004-05:00

-- Three nurses have examined my foot and all three think it’s a clot. Obviously no one knows what it will do; it may do nothing, or it may be my ticket Home. Yes, I am hoping it’s my ticket Home because going by the ways a blood clot would be most likely to take me would be WAY easier than the most likely cancer options. I’m trusting that God has everything under control and that His timing and means will be perfect.

--I had an excellent first visit with my hospice chaplain last week. I was intrigued by the vocabulary she used and by her insight on all things nearing “death” and spiritual. She refers to “death” as transitioning, she refers to saying a prayer as voicing a prayer (and there is a big difference between the two), she talks about “nearing death” spiritual experiences....

--My mailbox and I are expecting a book today that I’m pretty excited about. I’ll post more on it after I get into it a bit.

--I’m taking a time out for a few days by myself to paint and read and sleep.

--It turns out that about 90% of my recent irritation was caused by increasing my sugar uptake without realizing it. After I eliminated most sugar from my diet I felt very dramatically better within the first day (which was a week and a half ago), and I’ve been feeling better and better since. I know part of it was just me processing what I’m experiencing but a staggering amount of it was the sugar. If you get to the point of scaring yourself and everyone around you, your sugar intake is worth examining.

--A large segment of my enormous family is gathering next week. Please pray for grace and Love for all of the families and un-family-ed gathering next week all over this country and elsewhere and for those who don’t have families or places to gather...

--A lot has been going on in Haiti. If you want on site information and incredible photographs, you should check http://www.blexi.blogspot.com/ My younger brother and his wife have been living in Haiti for over two years and they have a lot of insight on the situation that I have been finding very helpful.

Peace, Martha

Oh, and here is a song I've been encouraged by, lyrics are below the video....

Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is weighing heavy now
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

You are not the only one
Who feels like the only one
Night soon will be lifted friend
Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise

Rise, rise, rise, rise….
Shine, shine, Oh shine
We will shine
We will rise
We will shine, shine, shine

Violette : )

2010-11-15T14:00:00.002-05:00

My brother C (Violette’s dad), Martha Elisabeth, and Violette Elisabeth

Violette was about five days young in these pictures, and teeny tiny, but with the hugest yawns you’ve ever seen from a mouth so small. It was an honor to see her and her amazing parents. All three of them are doing well. It was a very special twenty-four hours.

Tulips

2010-11-10T13:12:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine gave me these spectacular tulips last night... I keep looking at them and thinking about how all creation worships Him, so I thought I’d share them. I was going to try to narrow it down to two pictures but couldn’t, so you get four.

You can click on the images to see them bigger.

My Foot

2010-11-09T14:28:00.001-05:00

This wasn’t much of a break, but that’s okay.

I have a blood clot/phlebitis/issue in my right foot. It’s been hurting since last Wednesday, it got worse a few days ago, and yesterday it hurt a lot more and the symptoms were distinct enough to indicate something abnormal.

It is pretty painful. It’s a throbbing aching pain which is worse if I move around fast, put weight on it, take a warm/hottish shower, or elevate it... Thank God for ibuprofen.

I looked up info on blood clots and read all kinds of stuff, took it all with a grain of salt, but hoped I would go to sleep last night and wake up at Home... I’m still here.

Anyway, a nice hospice nurse came out this morning. She checked it all out and then spoke with my supervising nurse practitioner who has put me on an antibiotic in case it’s an infection and on aspirin to thin my blood. It should improve within 48 hours, if not, I’ll probably get stronger blood thinners.

Apparently blood clots are common in cancer patients. The nice nurse told me why but I’m not going to try to paraphrase what she said because I don’t want to misrepresent her.

It was interesting when she asked me how aggressive I wanted to be with treatment. She explained that some people want to be very aggressive because they’re afraid, if it’s a clot, that it will come loose and go to their brain, lungs, or heart and kill them. I told her, A. I was hoping that would happen last night because I’m way past ready to go Home and, B. I have two goals for treatment: 1. I want relief from the pain. 2. I don’t want my toes or foot rotting off from gangrene, that “death” is welcome but that being incapacitated is not. She didn’t bat an eyelash.

Meanwhile, Dresden has been very needy and anxious for the last several days. This is what she did this morning with the five empty six packs from the pansies and violas that I just planted yesterday...

Inspecting her handiwork...

Peace, Martha

Break

2010-11-07T19:15:00.003-05:00

I’m going to take a break.

I’ll be back.

Peace, Martha

Untitleable 2

2010-11-05T16:20:00.013-04:00

Okay, I’ve already been told that my last post was frustrating and disturbing.

What can I say? I wrote this last October, a whole YEAR ago, and it still holds true:

“Most of my family and friends know my thinking about this.... the bottom line is that it's my body and I'm the one in it dealing with all of this. And as I said, they are going to have to release me, and I them, at some point anyway.”

Same thing, another whole year later: They will never have had enough time with me, they will have to release me sometime, we’ve all known the cancer was terminal for as long as we’ve been willing to acknowledge it, and I’m the one living in this (curse word) body.

I understand their point; that it’s hard and painful and disturbing, and I’m not unsympathetic. It’s just that it has been hard and painful all along. And, living in a 33 year old body that feels like it’s 65, knowing I’m terminally ill, and knowing that I can’t do a lot of the things I’d like to do while I’m waiting to die because of my energy limitations makes me want to be done.

I hope that I can maintain a sense of humor for the time I have left, even if it is dark humor, and I hope my time of suffering will be over as soon as possible.

I’m doing the best I can to be with people and to use my time well, but that’s the best I can do. I can’t change my limitations or their limitations.

It is what it is. I’m sorry and I wish it were easier for everyone but I can’t make it easier. I have been trying to make it as much easier as I can, but there's only so much I can do. I’m not God.

Untitleable

2010-11-05T12:33:00.008-04:00

Spite cancer: Drink tea, eat dark chocolate, make beautiful things, and be with the people you love.

That was my first thought, my second thought is about something I’ve been stressed out about at some level for a while. It’s this: I don’t want to have another last Christmas. I did that last year. My family did that last year. I DON’T want to do that again. I can’t describe how I feel about that thought, so I’m not going to try.

I’m good to go for Thanksgiving though, and looking forward to it. Plus, right now I’m looking forward to meeting my little niece Violette when she arrives (She was due November 3, please pray she comes ASAP).

So if you could pray that Jesus would come for me between November 26, and, oh, maybe December 10, it would be great. That would leave plenty of leeway for my memorial service and the after death logistics to get wrapped up (ha ha, get it?) before Christmas.

Peace, Martha

Disclaimer

2010-11-02T16:53:00.005-04:00

***Edited 11.7.10***
Disclaimer—there are a lot of things I can’t or don’t post on here. I don’t/can’t post them because they are too disturbing/intense, or would include language which some people would find offensive.

Because these things aren’t being posted, you’re only getting a partial story, for better or for worse.

It strikes me as what I have to do, but as for worse for two reasons: First, you’re not getting the whole story. Second, because of the omissions, some people have a skewed view of me—that I’m a pillar of strength, a bright and shining example, that sort of thing, and it’s inaccurate and unrealistic.

Anything good coming out of my terminal cancer is because of the transforming work of Jesus—there would be no good in it otherwise, not for me.

So for clarification: Know that you’re getting a partial story and please remember where the good stuff originates.

Peace, Martha

A Nice Fluffy Post

2010-10-31T14:55:00.002-04:00

Okay, here’s a light and fluffy post for a change.

I got sick of maintaining the red-violet/violet streak in my hair and I figured I’d just bleach it white and then put a wash of lavender over it. I’ve always admired elegant older ladies with their classy lavender hair...

So I bleached it, with the thrill of first-time bleaching and some fear and trembling. I got hair lightener stuff from some nice ladies at Sally Beauty Supply who promised me it wouldn’t make my hair fall off. I was remembering of a friend of my oldest brother who bleached his rattail (weird 80’s hairstyle) with household bleach and it fell off...

This heinous bubblegum/cotton candy/pepto bismol/fluorescent/glow in the dark pink was so appalling that I stared at it for ten minutes. And when light hit it, it looked like it was glowing with some kind of radioactive energy. It didn’t fall off but it was horrid... I'd call this "Nightmare Pink."

I went back and got more of the noxious fumed putrid smelling hair lightener. The results were much better the second time, I put lavender over it, and it worked exceedingly satisfactorily.

All’s well that ends well, right? I figure now that my hair is a more ethereal color maybe I’ll get into Heaven faster.

There is a point to this post and it is this: One good thing about having a terminal illness is you can do all kinds of things and get away with them. I try not to abuse the privilege but it works great for stuff like crazy hair.

While I’m posting pictures, here’s a magnificent Dutch Puff I made the other night; proof that I do eat for those concerned.

In His Grip, Martha

Into the Unknown

2010-10-28T13:22:00.001-04:00

twinges
here
twinges
there
throb
here
sharp
there
pulsing
here
shooting
there
aching
here
burning
there
then
gone
or
staying
consistent
inconsistent
a
lump
here
a
cramp
there
and
there
chilled
warm
chilled
hot
warm
hot
chilled
here
gone
here
coming
going
unknown
unstudied
shrouded
no
reason
no
knowing
“progression”
unanswerable
unexplainable
unknown
into
the unknown
into
the mist
progression
tedious
progression
ambiguous
progression
unknown
into
the unknown

martha depp 10.28.10

Good Information

2010-10-26T17:04:00.000-04:00

This is from an email I sent my family last week:

I would STRONGLY recommend this site to anyone who's going to die, dying, or who loves someone who is dying. There are topics for patients, parents of young children, caregivers, and piles of information on many many topics... I've spent hours and hours reading on this site because it's so helpful for me. Youghta check it out: http://www.hospicenet.org/

This is one example, about grief/bereavement http://www.hospicenet.org/html/knowledge.html

Here's one you probably don't want to read but should read on end stages of life http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html

This is an AMAZING description of how children from newborn to age 18 understand/respond to death/how to support children--all of you parents of children in this age range should definitely read this http://www.hospicenet.org/html/understand.html

I would apologize for being bossy or demanding, but I'm not going to because I think this information would be really helpful for you and your children.

Heaps and piles of warm fuzzies and love, Martha

Something Dangerous

2010-10-25T11:38:00.000-04:00

something dangerous
something powerful
something flaming
something fills me

Daughter of the King
Bride of Christ

He is my Dread Warrior
I am the apple of His eye

death is dead
He has killed it
Heaven awaits

He is in me
He is with me
He surrounds me

something dangerous-His courage in me
something powerful-He treasures me
something flaming-His Spirit in me

His love fills me
fear is gone
He is with me
He is with me

He is with me

martha depp 10.24.10
For D, another Daughter of the King. May she be courageous and fierce and tender in her battle.

Stupid Lumps

2010-10-21T21:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, I have a prayer request.
I don't have something specific for you to pray but this is what's going on:

I’m tired of these stupid cancer lumps everywhere and how achy a whole bunch of them are right now. Tuesday or yesterday, I can’t remember which, it seemed like every lump in the upper left part of my body started hurting. It’s not excruciating pain; it’s something between throbbing, aching, and feeling bruised.

There are so many lumps now that I’ve lost count. There are two under my left arm, one under my right arm, one on my breastbone below my collarbone, one on my right side, and so many in my neck that it feels like a bag of marbles. No joke, it does. And there are new ones spreading up the lymph node chains in my neck. Oh yeah, then there’s the boney lump in my mouth—new as of last week and only slightly bigger than when I noticed it...

Then there are all of the unknown lumps, God only knows where they are, I’m sure there are lots. I know there are some deep in near my left hip joint because it aches the same way as the junk in my neck sometimes. And I know there are some on the surface near there because there’s some very minor swelling (I thought it was going to be lymphedema back in June but thankfully it hasn’t gotten worse).

There are aspects of the lump crud that I am thankful for—like the fact that other people can’t see most of them, that the pain isn’t a lot worse, that I can still do a lot of the things I enjoy, and that I did have a break from anything hurting for nearly two weeks.

But the lumps are still irritating.

The fact that they are hurting tells me that they are growing. They don’t always hurt when they grow but they always seem to grow when they are hurting. So, the fact that they are hurting is almost encouraging because if they are growing it must mean I’m closer to going Home.

Going Home would be so wonderful.

One Day

2010-10-18T18:43:00.003-04:00

You can read the lyrics here. This is a song one of my friends sent me a while ago.

I was thinking about this song this morning, and how intensely I long to be done with this cancer BS, and how one day we'll all be free from suffering... And it reminded me again of Revelation 21: 3-5

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.

He will dwell with them, and they will be His people,

and God Himself will be with them as their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning,

nor crying, nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away."

And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new."

And it is true; one day there won't be any persecution of people who follow Jesus.

One day women won't have their noses cut off or acid thrown on them or be brutally raped with sticks because they are believers.

One day a mother will be judged for holding her son in boiling hot water, burning seventy percent of his body with third degree burns.

One day men and women and children won't be beheaded or buried alive or tortured because they are believers.

One day there won't be any cancer.

One day there won't be any Lou Gehrigs's disease.

One day there won't be mental illnesses tormenting people.

One day there won't be a single cell malfunctioning in my body.

One of the things that made me think about this more is finding a boney lump inside my mouth, on the inside of my upper jaw. It's still tiny, about 1/8 of an inch, but I started to get afraid as I imagined dying by suffocation from an enormous tumor in my mouth, or of starving to death because I couldn't eat anything because my mouth was completely blocked, or of not being able to close my mouth because the tumor was so huge.

Then, trying to be rational, I stopped and thought about it more carefully: If the cancer is so advanced that it's in my mouth, it's very highly likely that cancer somewhere else in my body is way more advanced and way more likely to get Jesus to come for me.

Being rational and focusing on His promises really helps...

I also have been encouraged by a book called Safely Home, by Randy Alcorn. If you enjoy a well crafted story, have questions about why people suffer, why God allows suffering, and how God feels about our suffering, or if you have any interest in the persecuted church or human rights issues in China, you should read it. It's a life-changing, paradigm-shifting book. I dare you to read it.

One of the things that has really helped me is to remember how much worse my suffering could be. Not that it won't ever get worse, or that I'm not suffering, or that my suffering doesn't matter, just that there are many people who are suffering much more than I am and I need to be asking God to protect them and keep them in His grace and peace.

More Horse

2010-10-15T19:45:00.001-04:00

We went on another ride in the woods today. The horse I rode today is named Basil. He seemed rather huge at first.

Meanwhile, after watching these massive creatures for almost a week, I keep seeing them as giant moving sculptures as well as beautiful animals.

Hopeland Gardens, Aiken S.C.

2010-10-14T10:13:00.002-04:00

My friend and I spent several hours in the gardens here yesterday... We took 336 photographs. Here are a few.

The close-up pictures will look better if you click on them and view them separately...

Some of the largest Deodora Cedars in the country are located here.

(Took this picture for you, Mom...)

This is the largest Live Oak I've ever sat in.

Bald Cypress.

Reflections on the koi pond.

Many of the koi were well over 30 inches long but they didn't want their pictures taken.

Some flowers, whose name I've forgotten...

And the sun lit clouds last night.

FYI: I am feeling okay. I'm not having any new major symptoms. Weirdly enough, I've been feeling less of the low level symptoms for the last week. Although one of the newer surface mets/lumps is continuing to grow. I'm hoping it doesn't get too much larger. Often new lumps grow and grow and then just stop growing and remain the same size.

And I'm having a good time in Aiken, it's like a restart button in my head has been pressed.

Horses...

2010-10-11T15:47:00.004-04:00

I went trail riding with good friend and her horses today. This is the first horse I've ever ridden for more than fifty feet. My friend is a professional horse trainer, and rider trainer... so I was fairly relaxed knowing she'd tell me what to do.

Her horse, Faline, is very, very responsive, but she's also playful/questioning enough to keep me very attentive. Faline kept wanting to break into a trot in the middle of going up a hill, when I hadn't asked her to, so that made things a little unpredictable and a lot more fun.

The smallest touch made her move one way or another, so I was trying to learn how to make sure I wasn't sending her mixed signals, say by moving her over to the right with my left leg while the rein was (accidently) touching the right side of her neck, making her think I wanted her to go two directions at the same time... It's a little like driving a stick shift but with a lot more variables....

Hope in Grief?

2010-10-05T22:41:00.003-04:00

For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling with the idea of my loved ones grieving. I know after I leave I’ll be way more than fine, but what about my family and friends? How will they be? I’ve been putting myself in their position, thinking about how I would feel if one of them were dying.

I’ve been feeling like I’ve had a rug pulled out from under me. I've been feeling like everything I’ve learned about death and dying, which has been so helpful to me, is useless in the face of their grief.

I know in my head that they are God’s responsibility, not mine, and I know I will see them again, but there is still the concern, there is still the pain of their pain. There is still the wondering if they’ll be okay. Will they be okay?

This morning I sat down to read Revelation. I knew there was some stuff in there about the New Heavens and New Earth and I was curious. I read Daniel yesterday for the same reason.

Instead of learning about the New Heavens and New Earth, I learned about how deeply God cares about me and for me; about each of us and for each of us. I learned that He cares about my eternity and He also cares about me now; that He cares for my loved ones' eternities and that He also cares for them now.

So, what does that really mean? How does that really help anything?

Well, there is Eternity. There is hope for Life to come. There is the promise of Revelation 7:15-17

"... and He who sits on the throne will shelter them with His presence.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;

the sun shall not strike them,

nor any scorching heat.

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,

and He will guide them to springs of living water,

and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

This is repeated in Revelation 21: 3-5

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.

He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,

and God himself will be with them as their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning,

nor crying,

nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away.

And he who was seated on the throne said,

"Behold, I am making all things new." "

And this first part has been huge for me. Really huge. Huge because if I live with the framework of eternity in mind, the here and now stuff isn’t as hopeless. It can still be terrible, but it is not, it cannot be, the final word.

The final word is that Jesus tells us, "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.” Revelation 1:18

Death’s days are numbered. And when Jesus comes back, death is going to be annihilated, blown to smithereens so minute no trace can be found.

I find that very hopeful. These promises for the future help me keep stuff in perspective.

But what about right here and right now?

What about today and tomorrow, and tonight?

What about the families who’ve been separated from fathers or mothers or brothers or sisters by death?

What about the horrors they’ve seen as the people they loved most suffered?

What about the ravages that some people experience while dying?

What about the people who had no time for closure, whose loved ones have died or been killed suddenly?

That’s what I wanted to know: What about NOW, what about this life? What hope or comfort do we have RIGHT NOW?

I read The Shack last week. I know it’s controversial and I really don’t care. What it helped me understand much more fully is that God is in me and with me all the time. He’s not a spectator; He is in it with me. That’s not a promise for the future, that’s a reality right now.

And He will be in and with my family and friends too. He won’t just be looking on analyzing and observing from a safe distance; He will be feeling and comforting, weeping with them and wiping away each of their tears, He will comfort them and probably even remind them of a funny memory.

I remember a while back when my pastor said that God feels our pain. I remember it because I was startled. I was startled because I had this sort of subconscious idea of a god who was watching me suffer from afar, possibly thinking “Sucks to be her, how awful.” or something trite and lousy like that.

It hadn’t occurred to me that my God was feeling my pain with me; that it hurt Him too, that it grieved Him too.

The story of the death of one of Jesus’ loved ones shows an example of this in real life. How did Jesus respond to His friend’s death? He wept. He felt pain. He was "deeply moved and troubled in spirit." Read John 11....

He’s not some far off pie in the sky god who doesn’t feel or care. He’s not a god who wants us to suck it up and push it away and pretend it’s not happening.

As I read the beginning of Revelation, what amazed me most was how intimately involved God is with us, that He knows our hearts and minds, He knows our needs and our weaknesses, and He is with us in every single bit of it, forever. He chose to be in it with us for forever.

Seriously, check it out. It’s in chapters two and three.

And this is my hope as I anticipate leaving those I love—it’s in knowing that Jesus is with and in each of them; and that He will never, never ever, leave them or forsake them.

My peace comes from knowing the hope they can have right here and right now and in the hope they can have in His promises for Life everlasting.

A Pause

2010-10-01T21:29:00.002-04:00

a whirlwind
a cigarette
a sleep
a wake
a walk
a song
a prayer
a dream
a wish
a hope
a desire
a wait
a stop

a pause
a pause
a pause
a pause
a hope

a dream
a rest
a sleep
a wake
a tremble
a hope
a wish
a dream
a wait
a pause
a pause
a tumult
a peace
a wait

a pause
a pause
a hope

a dream
a hope
a tremble
a hope
a pause

a pause

martha depp 10.1.10

Violette's Mural

2010-09-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

This is another recent artwork... One of my younger brothers and his wife are expecting their first child, a daughter named Violette, in the beginning of November. C and B painted the wall light purple and then I painted the mural—since C and his wife J love the Northwest, mountains, snow, and evergreens, that's what they got about 4.5-5 hours later. It was a lot of fun to paint.

You can click on it to see it bigger...

Photograph © Ben Depp

Self-Portrait

2010-09-29T11:51:00.001-04:00

I started this painting a long while ago and just finished it a week or so ago… It's my first and last self-portrait painting. My brother Ben is a professional photographer and he photographed it for me. He also photographed almost all of my other paintings, which was awesome and a really interesting process to experience. Thank you, Ben.

You can click on the image to see it bigger.

Photograph © Ben Depp

"Kidney" Update

2010-09-29T11:29:00.001-04:00

In a nutshell:
I took ibprofin for the pain in my sides, which was supposedly kidney related, and now, even without ibprofin, the pain is still gone three days later. How weird is that? Consistent pain for a week or two, worse pain for three days, took ibprofin (and only one tablet each time, mind you) for two days, and now, nothing.

This is cancer life for you. Symptoms come, symptoms look like something serious, then symptoms disappear again. Some symptoms have stayed, but it’s crazy how some of the things that seem like they would be something significant vanish.

In the beginning of my cancer process these things made my life feel like an emotional rollercoaster, and in some ways, they still do. The good part is that regardless of the junk in my body, God is keeping me in His peace. I am staying centered because the Center is holding on to me.

Questions for You.

2010-09-25T18:55:00.004-04:00

Dying is the process up to death; death is the split second transition to life eternal.
This post isn’t about dying, it’s about death.

Why are we so bent on avoiding the subject of death?

As my grandfather used to say, “We’re all terminal.” All of us will die.

You are just as terminally ill as I am; you just have a different timeline.

You might die peacefully or in unspeakable suffering, but you are going to die. Yes, Jesus might come back in your lifetime, but He might not.

Why don’t parents talk to their children about death?

How is it helpful to pretend it doesn't happen or to be dishonest about it?

Wouldn’t it be better to equip children, and people of all ages, with the ability to think about death?

Why does our culture consider death a taboo topic? (My parents didn’t and the ability to talk about anything growing up has been very, very beneficial to me.)

Why can’t we talk about death?

What are you doing to prepare for death?

Do you think about death?

What do you think about death?

Will you know that you have used your life for something worthwhile when you are dying?

Are your Earthly and Heavenly affairs in order?

If you died this second, would you leave your relationships in pain or peace?

Why is death almost always considered negative?

Why don’t we hear more teaching on Heaven as a main topic instead of just hearing fragmented information?

What if we did talk about death?

What if we were consistently aware of our fragility and the brevity of this life?

What if this awareness were something positive, something helpful, or something valuable?

How would that awareness change how we live?

What if death were something we accepted as something we all must face, a common experience, something for which we all must be prepared?

The fact of the matter is that we only have to be afraid of death if we choose to be. We can take hold of the freedom Jesus offers us, we can hold on to the fact that when He comes back, death will be annihilated altogether:

       There He will remove the cloud of gloom,
       the shadow of death that hangs over the earth.
       He will swallow up death forever!
       The Sovereign LORD will wipe away all tears.
       He will remove forever all insults and mockery
       against His land and people.

       The LORD has spoken!
       In that day the people will proclaim,

      “This is our God!
      We trusted in Him, and He saved us!
      This is the LORD, in whom we trusted.
      Let us rejoice in the salvation He brings!”
      Isaiah 25:7-9

      Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this
      Scripture will be fulfilled:

      “Death is swallowed up in victory.
      O death, where is your victory?
      O death, where is your sting?”

      For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God!
      He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
      I Corinthians 15:54

“No one has yet believed in God and the kingdom of God, no one has yet heard about the realm of the resurrected, and not been homesick from that hour, waiting and looking forward joyfully to being released from bodily existence.

Whether we are young or old makes no difference. What are twenty or thirty or fifty years in the sight of God? And which of us knows how near he or she may already be to the goal? That life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up—that is for young and old alike to think about. Why are we so afraid when we think about death? ... Death is only dreadful to those who live in dread and fear of it. Death is not wild and terrible, if only we can be still and hold fast to God’s Word. Death is not bitter, if we have not become bitter ourselves. Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him. Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons to us with heavenly power, if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace.

How do we know that dying is so dreadful? Who knows whether, in our human fear and anguish we are only shivering and shuddering at the most glorious, heavenly, blessed event in the world?

Death is hell and night and cold, if it is not transformed by our faith. But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

In His Grip, Martha

My Kidneys

2010-09-25T15:37:00.010-04:00

I’m doing not as well physically. I don’t know how much less well, but less well than a few weeks ago.

I’ve been having symptoms, consistent symptoms, of kidney issues. Tests were done yesterday, and as of right now the first results show no sign of kidney infection—which means, based on what my nurse told me, what my nurse practitioner told her, what I’ve read, and what my gut instinct (no anatomical pun intended…) tells me, that my kidneys are probably being messed up by the cancer, and I’m most likely losing kidney function. At what rate, I obviously don’t know. But the symptoms are there and that's what seems to be happening. It could still turn out to be a kidney infection, the second set of test results will be in on Monday or Tuesday.

Right now I’m processing this. It is another change. Mostly I’m excited, because it means I’m closer, closer to death—that glorious doorway to Heaven.

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior….

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you….

Do not be afraid, for I am with you….

From Isaiah 43.

Bonhoeffer, Lumps, and Quilts

2010-09-20T12:25:00.006-04:00

Well…. I’ve been reading a book on Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I didn’t mean to but when I tried to just glance through it, it was so well written and intriguing that it sucked me in. It’s called Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy.

This challenge from him resonated with me:

Who stands fast? Only the man whose final standard is not his reason, his principles, his conscience, his freedom, or his virtue, but who is ready to sacrifice all this when he is called to obedient and responsible action in faith and in exclusive allegiance to God—the responsible man, who tries to make his whole life an answer to the question and call of God.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I am doing okay. I have a several week old lump/met right on top of a bone that has been hurting more since Saturday. And, since I can feel it so easily, it was easy to notice Saturday that it was puffier, and to notice today that what was puffy Saturday seems to be hardening. It was much smaller and better defined at first. It is disturbing right now. What fun.
(When I say the piece of junk hurts, it's not excruciating pain, it's low level kind of aching discomfort. Just enough to be irritating, not enough to take any pain meds for...)

I have one more quilt that needs another hour or two to be completely finished. But these two are completed, and the last one (#4) looks a lot like #3, so I will just post these pictures for now:

You can click on the images to see them bigger.

#3, This is for my parents

My favorite part of rag quilts is the texture along the edges of the squares...

#2, This is for one of my younger brothers and his wife

Still in His grip, Martha

On Death

2010-09-16T23:21:00.000-04:00

Death is hell and night and cold, if it is not transformed by our faith. But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

My Dream House

2010-09-14T12:57:00.004-04:00

Since I read Heaven, by Randy Alcorn, and heard what he has to say about Jesus preparing places for each of us, I’ve been thinking about what mine might be like… This is along the lines of what I’ve come up with so far. I just realized I forgot to include the open-metalwork-Victorian-style spiral staircase up to the loft...

It has been pointed out to me that my plan doesn’t include a kitchen or a bathroom. The kitchen was excluded because it never occurred to me to include one. I hate cooking and my plan in Heaven is to trade meals from people who love to cook for artwork of some sort. I guess I might have a mini fridge and a cabinet for milk and cereal… As for the bathroom; I figure we don’t know if we’ll need them, and it can always be tacked on the back somewhere.

In all seriousness, I drew the most awesome house I could and I know this plan is crummy, at best, compared to what Jesus is preparing. How exciting is that???

What is your place going to look like?

P.S. I’m having an awesome time with my family, my dog needs to be eating more, and the two quilts are almost done. I’ve been feeling almost annoyingly well for the last few days. Isn’t terminal cancer supposed to be terminal? Doesn’t terminal mean having an end point? Okay, I am incredibly grateful for the peace, excitement, and good time God is giving me while I’m waiting.

A Poem

2010-09-09T17:11:00.000-04:00

Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.
You see, all is well.

St. Augustine

Stuff. Good Stuff.

2010-09-07T00:26:00.001-04:00

Okay, so… a few people have asked what I’m working on…. Thank you very much for praying for the completion of my projects… I have issues with uncompleted projects, so this is very helpful for me as I prepare to leave.

I just finished a very big project that is a secret for now. It took a ton of time, thought, troubleshooting, and prayer, and it turned out incredibly well.

I just finished my first and last self-portrait painting. I don’t know if it looks like me or not but I am very happy with it as a painting.

My next two projects are quilts. And since I know everyone really wants to see fabric portraits, here are a couple pictures (Each quilt will be composed of 48 different squares. They will be like paintings, but with fabric instead of paint):

You can click on the images to see them bigger and be thrilled by the vibrant colors....

I'll post a picture of the quilts when they are completed.

Other than that, I'm very peaceful and very excited.

I’m enjoying hanging out with my cool parents and am looking forward to time with siblings over the next few weeks. For those of you who don’t know, I have seven brothers and two sisters, and they are all awesome.

One of my siblings had a vision of Jesus coming for me, and the overwhelming sense was joy and how excited He was for me to be with Him. For whatever reason, I hadn’t thought about Him being excited to see me before I heard that. Someone else made a comment about me being a daughter of the King about a month ago, and it's been echoing in my head ever since with an intensely helpful sense of identity and protection accompanying it. So I’ve been trying to soak these ideas in. My ideas about the Trinity have a long way to grow.

Also, I’ve had two recent questions about Heaven:
1. Will our hair grow in Heaven? Because I’m okay with short hair, but I’m pretty well over it, and I would like to have long hair again.
2. Will we all have at least baseline skill levels in areas like singing/music and physical ability/athletic skills? Because I’m looking forward to being able to sing well enough that I don’t have to worry about people hearing me and I have a big long list of things like hiking (as in up and down super huge awesome mountains), running, swimming, and handsprings, that I’d like to be able to do really well.

In His Grip,
Martha

Update of Sorts...

2010-09-03T11:46:00.002-04:00

I’m doing about the same as I was a week ago, plus two new lumps/cancer filled lymph nodes, and I’m enjoying not thinking about breathing when I’m using my oxygen.

I’m going to hang out with my family for a couple weeks. Please pray for good time together. As always, this may be the last time I see some of my family.

My hospice nurse gave me a lecture yesterday on taking care of myself…. She said to be sure I sleep as much as I need to, use oxygen as much as I need to, and don’t let anyone give me a hard time about eating whatever I want or nothing. She’s great.

My nurse and I also had a really interesting conversation about dogs and sick people. THIS ARTICLE is fascinating and will give you the idea. I’ve already instructed my family that my DOG is to be allowed to be with me any time she wants at any point in the process. Did you know that dogs often smell death several days before it happens because of the chemical changes in the body and the odors they emit? Read the article, it’s wild.

I’m feeling a little stressed about things I want to complete before Jesus comes for me. There are three main projects and several little ones. Please pray for wisdom and efficiency.

HERE is an article that anyone who is female, who loves a female, who is a parent…. should read about the connection between talcum powder, including baby powder, and uterine and possibly ovarian cancer. Talc and asbestos have some similar properties.

I met with my pastor the other day about my memorial service and am very excited about the ideas we have mapped out. It’s going to be awesome.

I finally finished reading Heaven, by Randy Alcorn, and I wish everyone would read it. It has been a life changing book. A lot of my excitement comes from what I’ve learned from reading it. I will put up a post sometime with some quotes…

I’m off to Lowes to get hardware for one of my projects.

I Am Excited.

2010-08-27T19:11:00.004-04:00

Well, I am doing very well right now. My body may be a piece of crap, but I’m feeling exhilarated by where I am in this process. I don’t know exactly where I am in this process, on the timeline between this point in time right now and the point when Jesus will come for me… But I feel extraordinarily peaceful and I feel very, very, happy.

I’ve been pretty euphoric for several days, and I’m still trying to articulate why. And it’s not due to anything I’m putting into my body, for those of you wondering about that. I feel like I’m sensing an end to all of this crud. I just feel ready.

Somehow it just feels closer. I could be wrong, and His coming for me could be months away, but it feels closer, and I like that. Three people in twenty-four hours have independently indicated that they are sensing that it feels closer to them too. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The closer death gets, the more peaceful I feel, and the more excited I get. I have a couple things I'd like to finish, but I have no regrets about anything, and I am ready. Did I mention that I feel ready?

Anyway, I got to meet my hospice nurse today, and she is amazing, as expected. She gave me lots of information about all kinds of things and it was very helpful. Among other things, she said she feels like I’m starting hospice at a very good time in my process based on my symptoms, needs, and the obvious progression of disease in my superficial lymph nodes.

She’s going to start out visiting me once a week and can increase the frequency if needed. They also have people available 24/7 to help with anything major that might come up. I can’t believe how well planned out and organized hospice is.

Anyway, I just got oxygen yesterday, to use as needed. I have been using it as needed since it was delivered yesterday and it really does help with the shortness of breath, so that is nice.

Moonflowers!

2010-08-24T22:14:00.003-04:00

Sorry for bumping the Hospice post down so soon, this is too exciting to delay posting. If you read THIS post, you know I've been waiting for this night all summer. If there's something better than my first Moonflower opening, it's six Moonflowers opening on the same night, and if there's something better than six opening at the same time, it's all six opening after a light rain in beautiful overcast light.

You can click on the pictures to see them bigger...

This one was almost fully open...

I think Heaven is going to be full of these exhilarating gasps of beauty.

Hospice

2010-08-24T09:51:00.003-04:00

I met with a hospice nurse last Friday. The idea in my mind was that I would just get some information on how hospice works, when to start using it, etc, and then I’d go on my merry way. Well, she gave me all of that information and then asked me how I was feeling and what kinds of symptoms I am experiencing… My list looked something like this:

-Shortness of breath and dry cough for the last week, off and on, thought it might be allergies. Took Zyrtec and it did nothing, took Benadryl and it did nothing.
-New lymph nodes, bigger lymph nodes
-Sharp head pains, occasionally
-Sharp pains around rib cage on both sides, very occasional, unpredictable
-Headache several times in the last week, first in a long time
-Ultra-tired, can’t walk dog for twenty minutes 2x p. day because don’t have enough energy to function for rest of day. Walking once p. day, twenty minutes.
-Vision-have had two instances in the last week of seeing a vibrating C shape that is flashing like a neon sign. Can still see it when I close my eyes, is in both eyes; not one or the other. Starts out small and gets bigger and bigger over 15-20 minutes and then goes away.
-Appetite very irregular but usually very small. Occasionally ravenous, usually not very hungry, often feeling full/borderline nauseous.

The nurse said that she would strongly recommend that I go ahead and start hospice care, even though I did try to get out of it by explaining that a lot of this stuff, okay fine, the less dramatic stuff, has been going on for months and months. My Doctor had also suggested that it would be a good idea for me to get a relationship going with hospice. The nurse said that it would be better to start soon and keep symptoms monitored than wait until something dramatic happens and becomes a major issue. The idea is to keep suffering to a minimum. I like that idea.

She said that while the general recommendation is for people to start hospice when it’s expected that they have six months or less left (Insert a smile here, hope that it’s a lot less than six months before Jesus comes for me. Insert a sigh here, nine months ago I thought I’d be long gone in three or four months max), for some people it’s longer and some people do start hospice and then stop.

Anyway, with hospice comes a lot of resources. There’s a nurse, a social worker, a chaplain, the latter two for both the patient and their family, a home health aid if/when that becomes necessary, volunteers….

In a nutshell, the goal of hospice care is to help me be as comfortable as possible physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Quality of life is the priority.

As of right now, my oncology nurse is working on setting up the hospice stuff. I anticipate having a first meeting with a hospice nurse sometime in the next week or so.

Meanwhile, I’m still mobile—I can still move around easily and drive and take care of myself, I can still walk my dog, I can still spend time with people close to me, etc. All of that is a blessing. I can still do all those things; I just can’t do as much of them.

Oh, and last fall I did a lot of reading about the end stages of life, I find that the more I know about it, the less room there is to fear because for me fear is usually of the unknown.

HERE is a post on fear/end of life from last fall.
HERE is a link to all things end of life related—many of the articles on EOL issues are written by people who were terminally ill, including doctors, so it’s fascinating and very helpful. This is the best site I’ve found so far for information on these topics.
THIS article is particularly good.

“….we tend to die in much the same way as we have lived, according to our temperament, according to our beliefs, and much more in control of the process than we may know. Perhaps the suffering of death is more the result of our fear and struggle against the ultimate loss of control…" (Click HERE for article) This article is incredibly insightful. It’s very sad that most of us don’t have this information a lot sooner. I wish everyone could read this.

This information has been very comforting to me. For example, as I’ve reflected on the shortness of breath, I’ve wondered if I could suffocate to death. One of the EOL stories on that site, written by a daughter about her mother, mentions that her mother had the same worry about not being able to breath. The answer: They can give you enough morphine that you won’t know you can’t breathe. That sounds good to me. Now I can cross that off my waste-of-mental-energy-things-to-think-about list.

I’m not quite sure what I think about hospice yet. I’m more than ready to leave and be done with this whole cancer thing. I think mostly I’m not sure I need hospice yet because I’ve had so many weird symptoms off and on for so long. But, the way God has been changing my heart and the extra peace He’s been giving me in the last several weeks makes me wonder what He’s preparing me for… I would say who knows, but He does. I’ve seen Him do stuff like this before.

In His Grip, Martha

My Dog.

2010-08-20T23:37:00.136-04:00

My dog Dresden and I celebrated our eight year adoptaversary today. Eight years ago today I picked her up at the pound. I had always been skeptical about “gut” feelings and knowing things “at first sight,” but after visiting at the pound four or five times, I walked in one day and saw her… And as soon as I saw her, I knew that I knew that I knew that she was my dog.

After eight years of being together, it’s pretty clear why God gave her to me. She’s been amazing. I could get effusive, but I'll spare you.

Interestingly enough, Dresden acted so strangely for about a week before my very first doctor’s appointment for the cancer symptoms to get checked out that I was sure that I had cancer, and I did. And she acted strangely when the cancer recurred—for about a week before I even found the lump under my right arm. She knew I had cancer before I or anyone else did. God used her and her behavior to prepare me for the initial diagnosis and the recurrence.

She helped me recover from surgery...

And she helped me stay sane during chemo...

She continues to be pretty consistently awesome...

Anyway, she is a treasure. It’s a huge relief to know that my family loves her and is going to take good care of her after I’m gone. And I’m 100% sure that we’ll be together again in Heaven at some point.

If you think of Dresden after I leave, please pray that she will adapt well to my absence.

Uncivil War

2010-08-19T11:45:00.001-04:00

The powers of darkness in my house have been caught off guard. If you read THIS post, you know I have what feels like millions of heinous killer crickets in my house. A friend of mine told me how to make cricket traps with a big loop of duct tape. Apparently camel crickets are attracted to glue. I usually use three loops of tape attached to a piece of cardboard.

Well these traps work. So instead of the trauma they were inflicting, they are being caught on the duct tape traps. Yes, I do check the traps and dispatch them in a fast and merciful squash.

Just last night I was walking around checking my locks in the dark, by the faint street light coming in through the blinds, and I saw a large dark spot on my floor. I stomped, it jumped. I stomped again, it jumped again and disappeared (this is why I never go barefoot in my house…). I made a duct tape trap and put it near where I saw it. This morning? Not one, but three large crickets caught, with no adrenaline rush or trauma.

Thank God for a solution. I can’t help but think that the place Jesus is preparing for me won’t have any giant crickets in it.

Eucatastrophes and Thank You

2010-08-11T19:01:00.011-04:00

This post might not be as clear and concise as I’d like, I’m trying to articulate a bunch of ideas that have been coming into my head since last Thursday.

Last Thursday morning, I met with a friend of mine. Some of the things he said reminded me of the beginning of this cancer process in December of 2008, the process before living with cancer, the process with cancer, where I am in that process with cancer right now, and where the process is going.

So for almost a week, I’ve been ruminating.

And I’m not having a nice, happy day today; there’s something in me that wants to express gratefulness for the hideousness and beauty in this process and the people who have been alongside me through both.

Many times there is an overwhelming sense of isolation that goes along with my diagnosis. In one sense, this is an incredibly accurate description of what it’s like:

“There are seas of suffering that the sufferer must navigate alone. No other sail is in sight. Scan the horizon and nothing is seen but wave after wave... He knows your poor body, and He permits it to be frail. He permits your heart to tremble…” Charles Spurgeon

That is true because really, who else do I know who, at age thirty-three, has a terminal cancer? Even the people who listen reflectively and thoughtfully and who do their best to support me and who love me so well aren’t actually in my position.

And in another sense, there is a sense of great community in this process. As one of my brothers said, it’s like I’m running a race by myself, and he and all of my other supporters are cheering me on from the sidelines.

So while all of that isolation issue is there and very real, and sometimes overwhelming, it is also true that I have often been overwhelmed by the love of people around me.

In some ways, this cancer process has been a healing process for me. Like everyone else, I have my own set of weaknesses, and one that has been strong for almost all of my life is a strong misanthropic tendency. Something about this cancer process and how people have shown love to me has had a very healing effect on me. I will continue to struggle until Jesus comes and transforms me 100%, but all of you people who have helped, have helped on a much deeper level than you’ll ever know.

This process has also been very healing for me in the area of fear. I lived the first two thirds of my life nearly paralyzed by fear. Through a gradual process of healing over the last ten years or so, God has proven Himself to me in real, tangible, I-can-trust-Him sorts of ways that prepared me for the fears the cancer diagnosis triggered. Throughout this process, He has spoken to me twice, and let me tell you, when God speaks there is no questioning it. I’d never heard Him like that before, and hearing Him has given me so much freedom from fear that it still surprises me.

If you want proof, here is something I wrote while recovering from my first surgery and anticipating my first chemotherapy treatment:

1.24.09

body battered
spirit shaken
mind in tumult
emotions shredded

fragile
frail
skin and bones

hoping for an easy death
or life clearly defined
and healthy
and worthwhile
and together

terrified of an
excruciating
long drawn out
death
before freedom from this poison
this bondage

overwhelmed
drowning
trying to hope

at peace with God
grateful for family
grateful for support

praying constantly
for my spirit
my soul
me
to be released
from this “life”
this prison

Compare that with Easter Sunday if you want. That should give you a sense of the contrast and the healing.

Another thought that I’ve been reminded of in the last week is the concept of a eucatastrophe. One of the pastors at my church talked about eucastastrophes in July 2009, several days after I had discovered the enlarged lymph node under my right arm, which I was absolutely certain was cancer, and which proved to be a recurrence.

Eucatastrophe is a neologism coined by Tolkien from Greek ευ- "good" and καταστροφή "destruction".
"I coined the word 'eucatastrophe': the sudden happy turn in a story which pierces you with a joy that brings tears (which I argued it is the highest function of fairy-stories to produce). And I was there led to the view that it produces its peculiar effect because it is a sudden glimpse of Truth, your whole nature chained in material cause and effect, the chain of death, feels a sudden relief as if a major limb out of joint had suddenly snapped back. It perceives – if the story has literary 'truth' on the second plane (....) – that this is indeed how things really do work in the Great World for which our nature is made. And I concluded by saying that the Resurrection was the greatest 'eucatastrophe' possible in the greatest Fairy Story – and produces that essential emotion: Christian joy which produces tears because it is qualitatively so like sorrow, because it comes from those places where Joy and Sorrow are at one, reconciled…." J.R.R. Tolkien
(From http://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Eucatastrophe )

Good: Having desirable or positive qualities especially those suitable for a thing specified, most suitable or right for a particular purpose, that which is pleasing or valuable or useful.

Catastrophe: Any large and disastrous event of great significance; A disaster beyond expectations; The dramatic event that initiates the resolution of the plot in a tragedy; A type of bifurcation, where a system shifts between two stable states.

Eucatastrophe has been the most accurate term I can use to describe my cancer process, and when I learned it, it made something previously confusing and ephemeral make a lot of sense.

My cancer has been a disaster beyond anything I could comprehend AND it has had desirable qualities—it has brought inexpressible joy and delight and it has also brought unfathomable sorrow and horror. Like the Resurrection however, when Jesus comes for me, the joy and delight will win, and He will transform the sorrow and the horror into something glorious.

And, while I was reading Hebrews 11 this week, for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me that each of those people of faith experienced some level of eucatastrophe. Somehow knowing that was deeply encouraging to me.

If I were going to be really honest, I’d say that I’ve never experienced anything so horrifying and grotesque as having cancer. I can’t possibly describe how shocking and disgusting some of its effects on my body have been. I can’t describe how painful cancer is on an emotional and psychological level.

If I were going to be really honest, I’d say that this time while I’ve had cancer has been the time in my life where I’ve most tangibly felt the presence of God, where I’ve heard His voice speak to me for the first time in my life, where He has met me over and over in so many specific ways through people, conversations, scripture, and reading, and where I’ve experienced so much of life so much more fully than ever before. And all of this—this is the part of this process that has been breathtaking in its beauty.

If I were going to be really honest, I’d have to say that I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

So thank you. Thank you for your part in the eucatastrophe of Martha-with-terminal-cancer. Thank you for your support, love, encouragement, prayers, time, listening, help, and so much more. Thank you for being available. Thank you for caring. Thank you for cheering me on from the sidelines.

When my race is done, I hope people see the glorious parts of it—where God intervened; both the parts where He intervened Himself, and the parts where He used people like you to intervene on my behalf.

In His Grip, Martha

A New Art Site

2010-08-09T16:43:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to figure out an easy way to document what I've been doing creatively in the last while. I've posted all of it on here but having it all spread out throughout the posts on here was irritating to me. I don't have my old software on my new computer so I can't do something nice and smooth like my last art website.... but a blog is more appropriate to the miscellaneous nature of what I've been working on anyway. So HERE is the link. It's also on the blog list on the right side of this page... It may still need some adjusting. I feel like there isn't a lot on there but I've been spending a lot of time writing and it's been a busy and tired kind of year so far. It is what it is. I'm going to keep posting new art on here as well as on there.

Light vs. Darkness

2010-08-03T10:50:00.001-04:00

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

I love how God keeps shining His light into my darkness. I was reading this morning and took this photograph of the side of the bookshelf next to me.

This is what I’m trying to soak in and keep in my heart and mind today, and always, in light of the promises God has made me and what He’s chosen to do with my life:

So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs (to me) of the promise the unchangeable character of His purpose, He guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, I who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before me. I have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on my behalf…. Hebrews 6:17-20

Let me hold tightly without wavering to the hope I affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Hebrews 10:23

But I am looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called my God, for He has prepared a city for me. Hebrews 11:16

And let me run with endurance the race God has set before me. I do this by keeping my eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects my faith. Because of the joy awaiting Him, He endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Hebrews 12:1-2

I personalized the pronouns in some of the verses because that’s how I read these verses, as gifts from God to me.

This is a daily issue, it’s an ongoing struggle, and it is really difficult to keep from allowing myself to slip back into the darkness. But the light is there.

Shadows

2010-07-31T15:18:00.001-04:00

You can click on it to see it bigger.

In a pit today and somehow this picture represents how I feel. I took it this past week. It's shadows on a wall in Charleston, S.C.

Latest Artwork

2010-07-26T16:32:00.005-04:00

If I had known I could have a painting in my hair, I would have done this a long time ago...

One of my goals over the last four years has been to confront my fears. I've always wanted to dye my hair but was afraid to. It occurred to me that I was less afraid of using purples and blues than "natural" colors... This is what happened... I like it.

If you want to get some vivid colors in your hair look up Special Effects hair dye... They have a pretty amazing range of gorgeous colors.

Messiness and Steadfast Love

2010-07-26T12:28:00.002-04:00

For the last few weeks I have been struggling deeply. It’s taken a while to get insight on the mess and get it sort of defined.

There have been a number of thoughts running through my head, which have felt and sometimes sounded like multiple freight trains on multiple tracks....

1. I’ve repeatedly been on the verge of fear; fear of the horror movie I’m watching in my body. Specifically, the horror of the cancer metastasis. It started in my ovaries—in my pelvis, then it spread to my abdomen, then it spread up to my chest, then it spread to the lymph nodes under my right arm, then the lymph nodes under my left arm, and now, the lymph nodes in the base of the left side of my neck, and those nodes are getting pretty big.

If the cancer continues its vertical spread, it’s a hop, skip, and a very small jump to my brain. I don’t know how much you know about mets to the brain, but it can cause a very broad range of results. I don’t want to lose my mind and I don’t want to become a source of distress to myself or others.

I know God will keep His promise to be merciful to me, and I know Jesus will keep His promise to come for me, but the closer this stuff gets to my brain, the more aware I have to be; constantly remembering His promises and not allowing the fear to take hold. It’s exhausting, but if I don't do it, I drown.

2. I’ve been experiencing a lot of anger, grief, and frustration. Anger, frustration, and grief toward huge changes, toward myself for feeling misanthropic for a variety of reasons, and toward God for allowing this process to take so darn long. I’ve been feeling a lot of things too strongly to post anything rational or helpful or appropriate for sharing. That’s why I haven’t been posting much…

I have a private blog that only I read and it’s my cursing and swearing and ranting and raving blog. Don’t worry; I’m the only one who can access it. And yes, I would highly recommend having a private blog for doing cathartic writing. I find it really helpful to externalize my thoughts somewhere safe where no one can read them and where I can process stuff without dumping it all on some innocent bystander. This is not a pretty process and it’s not neat or tidy.

3. At the same time as all of that, I know that if I’m still here, He has a purpose for me, but I don’t know exactly what the heck that purpose is. Not having a strong sense of purpose is one of the most difficult places for me to be, so I’ve been bugging God constantly about it; begging, demanding, whining, for Him to show me what His purpose for me is, both in the big picture of the rest of my life here and for today. And when tomorrow comes: for today again, ad nauseum… Only instead of being nauseated by me, God has been teaching me bit by bit about this purpose thing and His love for me.

4. Along the lines of God’s steadfast love for me, He put someone in my life through a “chance encounter” who spoke Philippians 4:6-7 to me, and it’s been echoing in my head ever since:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I started thinking about that, and the fact that if I present my requests/burdens, to God, and leave them with Him instead of taking them back and freaking myself out, I won’t be anxious about anything. For some reason, this seems to be something that needs to happen many times per day for me…

Then He showed me Psalm 55:22:
"Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall."

Same theme, different wording: Present my requests/Cast my cares/Cry out to God and He will carry me. The issue is that I need retraining because I like to grip my burdens as tightly as I can with my puny little fingers instead of leaving them with the God of the Universe for Him to take care of for me… He offers over and over to carry my burdens, as in Matthew 11:28-30:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Isn’t that what we all really want, rest for our souls and a light burden??? Light burden seems oxymoronic, but then so do a lot of other spiritual truths that make perfect sense once I begin to experience them…

And then, just because God knows I have issues and need constant reminders, He showed me Psalm 107, which is awesome—I would strongly recommend reading the whole thing because it’s all about the depths of His love for us and how much He desires to save us from ourselves and from all of the things that distress us. This verse is repeated FOUR times in reference to His people:

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress."

Each time it is repeated, it’s followed by what He saved them from or what his answer to their cry was, you really should read the whole thing.

Then other night, I was looking up something else and “just happened” to read Psalm 57:2-3:

"I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!"

I re-read it last night for the ninth or tenth time and my slow self noticed that it’s God who fulfills His purpose for me, it is not my work oriented, production oriented self who fulfills my purpose for myself. He fulfills it—I don’t have to panic over discovering what it is.

He’s putting that steadfast love thing in my way a lot. There’s this song I used to hear somewhere that He’s been whispering across my mind over and over again. Here are the lyrics:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.

So those are the thoughts that have been on my mind for the last few weeks. Those are the truths God has been lovingly showing me in gentle and obviously Him kinds of ways. I am still struggling, the process is still not pretty, and I often don’t know how people close to me are able to love me, but somehow God is bringing me/us through.

I still don’t know what my exact purpose is in terms of the specific kind of details I’m always wanting, but I am slowly learning that it’s not up to me anyway as long as I have an attitude of obedience toward Him. Thankfully my fits and freaking out along the way don’t discourage Him.

Thank you for all of your prayers, support, encouragement, and patience for/with me through this very messy process.

Two other things:
1. If you get this via email, you’re not getting the final, hopefully more refined/edited/added to version that hopefully results after it’s posted online and I mess with it for ten minutes or so—you’re just getting the initial rough version.

2. I was reading an email from another terminally ill person with cancer and I’m going to start copying his email signature:

In His grip, Martha

Quilt #1

2010-07-20T12:25:00.006-04:00

Here are some pictures of my first rag quilt. It's called a rag quilt because of the raw edges on the front. This one is for my younger brother and his wife and their daughter who is due in November....

You can click on the pictures to see them bigger....

As for me, I'm doing okay.

On an emotional/cognitive level, I've been going through some stuff in the last week or two.

On a spiritual level, God hasn't left me or forsaken me and is reminding me to focus on Him and His promises. As long as I do that, I'm okay. If I start speculating about the future and focusing on the grief I've been feeling recently, and which I can't articulate yet, I'm a disaster, my relationships are a disaster, and life looks like a disaster.

On a relational level, I'm enjoying spending time with some of my siblings who've come to visit from far away places.

On a physical level, my stomach is still not right from the radiation, and needs to settle down... But yesterday I went on a forty minute walk in the woods. This was the first real walk I've been on since June 6 and it was awesome. I had enough energy to do the walk comfortably and my body wasn't hurting, it was amazing. The junk in my neck is growing and hurting so I need prayer for wisdom about that. I don't know if I should do something about it while it's small (radiation or surgery...) or try to ignore it because it's part of the process....

I'll post some pictures of some pendants I made at some point this week.

No More Stickers

2010-07-15T22:10:00.005-04:00

I meant to post this on Tuesday when I finished my last radiation treatment...

Radiation is done, the nine stickers the radiation therapists used to line me up on the table are gone, and I'm doing okay. The radiation took care of the larger part of the hip joint pain and the shooting pain down my leg, which is awesome. I still have some lingering pain that came back after being gone for a few days. The hypothesis is that as the radiation shrank the tumor which was covering the nerve (and pressing on it) the nerve was exposed to radiation and got inflamed. The radiation dosage wasn't strong enough to cause permanent nerve damage, so logically speaking and God willing, the inflammation will deflame itself over the next few weeks. My energy has been slightly better for the last two days, but it has a long way to go. I've been taking shorter naps (an hour or two instead of three to five hours), which is progress.

Thank you very much for all of your prayers for this process.

Medicinal Cannabis (Marijuana)

2010-07-12T17:10:00.000-04:00

”No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.” Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (p. 69)

I have never used it, and I hope I don't get to a point of needing to use it because so many medicines have had paradoxical effects on me. But I have done some research and found a plethora of reports like this, from real live human beings with terminal illnesses who are suffering beyond what most of us can even begin to comprehend.

“After my ileostomy and 3rd surgery a size 0 hung on me. My ileostomy was rapid transit so I wasn't keeping in any nutrients. My doc told me I had 2 choices...intravenous feedings, which would run a high risk of infection...or smoke marijuana. Of course I chose the easiest route. Too much of it makes me sick instead of feeling better. One little puff once or twice a day saved my life. I could get my food and water down and it eased my mind.”

“I was so dehydrated I had to go to the hospital twice. My Dr prescribed marinol for my nausea along with 3 or 4 other drugs, but I had a hard time keeping it down long enough to work. One hit of Pot and my nausea would disappear almost instantly. I was able to keep my other medications down, eat and drink enough to stay hydrated and gain weight. I don't know if I could have made it through chemo with out it.”

“...my brother who is dying from end stage liver disease finally ate after nearly dying from ascites once I located some for him. My parents thought he would die on the couch until they allowed him to go to the garage to do it.”

I can’t say cannabis works better than prescription drugs because, like I said, I haven’t used it. Honestly, if I could have used it last spring and it does everything I’ve read that it does, it would have eliminated the vast majority of the prescription drugs I was on, and which made my life hell—and which pharmaceutical companies were making loot from. One of the anti-nausea drugs was $300 per treatment (I had six treatment cycles), of which I had to pay $50. And that was for THREE (3) pills.

Can you imagine how much money pharmaceutical companies would lose if cannabis were legal in all states for medical use? I think those companies have a huge impact on the fact that it’s still illegal in so many states. That, and the fact that so many people aren’t willing to consider the facts about its therapeutic value. Maybe they will when they have a terminal illness.

Here is just one example of a prescription drug side effect description. I had to take this one last spring when I was on chemo and the side effects were agonizing. I actually refused to take it for my final treatment cycle; I flushed it down the toilet instead. I couldn’t put it in my body knowing what it was going to do to me physically and emotionally.

Dexamethasone (Decadron):
The following adverse reactions have been reported with DECADRON or other corticosteroids:
-Allergic reactions: Anaphylactoid reaction, anaphylaxis, angioedema.
-Cardiovascular: Bradycardia, cardiac arrest, cardiac arrhythmias, cardiac enlargement, circulatory collapse, congestive heart failure, fat embolism, hypertension, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy in premature infants, myocardial rupture following recent myocardial infarction (see WARNINGS, Cardio-renal), edema, pulmonary edema, syncope, tachycardia, thromboembolism, thrombophlebitis, vasculitis.
-Dermatologic: Acne, allergic dermatitis, dry scaly skin, ecchymoses and petechiae, erythema, impaired wound healing, increased sweating, rash, striae, suppression of reactions to skin tests, thin fragile skin, thinning scalp hair, urticaria.
-Endocrine: Decreased carbohydrate and glucose tolerance, development of cushingoid state, hyperglycemia, glycosuria, hirsutism, hypertrichosis, increased requirements for insulin or oral hypoglycemic agents in diabetes, manifestations of latent diabetes mellitus, menstrual irregularities, secondary adrenocortical and pituitary unresponsiveness (particularly in times of stress, as in trauma, surgery, or illness), suppression of growth in pediatric patients.
-Fluid and electrolyte disturbances: Congestive heart failure in susceptible patients, fluid retention, hypokalemic alkalosis, potassium loss, sodium retention.
-Gastrointestinal: Abdominal distention, elevation in serum liver enzyme levels (usually reversible upon discontinuation), hepatomegaly, increased appetite, nausea, pancreatitis, peptic ulcer with possible perforation and hemorrhage, perforation of the small and large intestine (particularly in patients with inflammatory bowel disease), ulcerative esophagitis.
-Metabolic: Negative nitrogen balance due to protein catabolism.
-Musculoskeletal: Aseptic necrosis of femoral and humeral heads, loss of muscle mass, muscle weakness, osteoporosis, pathologic fracture of long bones, steroid myopathy, tendon rupture, vertebral compression fractures.
-Neurological/Psychiatric: Convulsions, depression, emotional instability, euphoria, headache, increased intracranial pressure with papilledema (pseudotumor cerebri) usually following discontinuation of treatment, insomnia, mood swings, neuritis, neuropathy, paresthesia, personality changes, psychic disorders, vertigo.
-Ophthalmic: Exophthalmos, glaucoma, increased intraocular pressure, posterior subcapsular cataracts.
-Other: Abnormal fat deposits, decreased resistance to infection, hiccups, increased or decreased motility and number of spermatozoa, malaise, moon face, weight gain.
(From http://www.rxlist.com/decadron-drug.htm )

Sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it?

Here is a LINK to an article on the side effects of marijuana. It's long and worth the read but the bottom line is that, comparatively speaking, the side effects are minimal.

And, a report from a physician:
“Doctors see all sorts of social injustices that are written on the human body, one person at a time. But this one —the rote denial of a palliative care drug like marijuana to people with serious illness —smacks of pure cruelty precisely because it is so easily remediable, precisely because it prioritizes service to a cold political agenda over the distressed lives and deaths of real human beings.

Washington bureaucrats —far removed from the troubled bedsides of sick and dying patients —are ignoring what patients and doctors and health care workers are telling them about real world suffering. The federal refusal to honor public referendums like California's voter-approved Medical Marijuana Initiative is bewildering. Its refusal to listen to doctors groups like the California Medical Association that support compassionate use of medical marijuana is chilling.

In a society that has witnessed extensive positive experiences with medicinal marijuana, as long as it is safe and not proven to be ineffective, why shouldn't seriously ill patients have access to it? Why should an old woman be made to die a horrible death for a hollow political symbol?”
(From http://www.safeaccessnow.org/article.php?id=4559 A site which is full of very interesting research-based information on many aspects of medicinal cannabis treatment for many illnesses. The beginning of this doctor's report was about a woman with ovarian cancer.)

I have asked several medical doctors about the medicinal use of marijuana. Their response is to be very careful to state the experiences of their patients without recommending it, because of the legality issues, I'm sure. The last doctor I asked said patients reported that marijuana helped with appetite enhancement, controlling nausea, pain control, and relaxation. To treat all of these with pharmaceuticals, you'd probably have to take four different meds and each one would probably have some massive list of potential side effects...

I know someone's probably thinking that patients are just using marijuana to get high, rather than for the physical benefits. My answer to that is to ask what is wrong with seriously ill patients experiencing a little bit of euphoria? How is that going to hurt them? Is it so wrong to allow them to have a break from suffering?

I guess the level of distress from pharmaceutical side effects isn't likely to be understood unless you've experienced them at least at some level.

And there is so much more I could say... But this is already very long.

Bottom line: For medical use, the risks seem very low and the benefits enormous.

If you don't think people such as the women who wrote the comments above should be able to use it, why not?

I would challenge you to think long and hard about your reason(s), and the reason for your reasons.

I would challenge you to examine yourself and see if your reasons are motivated by something in yourself that needs to be re-evaluated, such as fear, stigma, or lack of information.

Death Envy, Cont'd

2010-07-10T10:41:00.001-04:00

Last night before I went to sleep I "just happened" to read 2 Corinthians 4:7-18. That was God's encouragement to me on the issue of death envy.

It doesn't make the problem easier, and it doesn't make the problem go away, but it does make it make sense, which is critical for me.

I would suggest reading it in several translations such as the NLT, NIV, and ESV to get a fuller sense of it. (The different colored texts are links you can click on...)

Death Envy

2010-07-09T23:16:00.003-04:00

I heard a story last night that I’ve been thinking about a lot.

It's similar to a lot of stories I hear and think about. Someone gets sick and dies very quickly, someone dies in their sleep, someone has a heart attack and dies in seconds...

A woman was diagnosed with acute leukemia, moved up North to be near her son, and died—all within the space of one week.

Have you ever had death envy? Bearing in mind that my definition of death is an instant transition from this life to Heaven, to Life, I’m envious.

Yes, I know that it’s nice for people to have time to prepare for the death of a loved one. Yes, I know sudden deaths are hard on the people who are left behind.

But as the person looking at dying, it sounds great to me. I mean ONE WEEK??? It’s been over a year and a half for me. I’ve known since the beginning that my cancer would be terminal. I know God showed that to me, I know that this process is being used in a lot of ways with a lot of people, I know that I’ve learned a lot and grown throughout the process, but knowing I'm terminally ill and trying to live in light of that is not easy. Having constant mental battles trying to keep my head straight and focused in the right direction, fighting to keep myself focused on the promises God has made me and not on speculating about how I'll "die," trying to understand which medical interventions are ones I should use, trying to understand which medical/physical issues to deal with and which to ignore (like the marble sized lump inside the base of my neck and one the same size under my left arm which have both been hurting this week), and a million other things make the dying quickly option seem very appealing.

My grandfather used to say we’re all terminal cases, and it’s true. But there are a lot of different ways to make that transition from life to Life. Some are more awful than I can think about, but some sure do seem like easier ways out...

Maybe this is a prayer request, for the grace to live well until Jesus comes for me. I know that God will guide the future as He has obviously guided the past, but sometimes the ambiguity gets to me.

Ahead

2010-07-07T21:10:00.003-04:00

feeling like
a giant slug
slow
deliberate

feeling like
a snail
with
a shell

feeling like
a washing machine
with
rumblings within

feeling like
an old car
needing
lots of new parts

feeling like
a river stone
tumbled
tossed

feeling
waiting
not seeing

knowing
ahead

(somewhere)

light
power
energy
transformation
vigor
radiance
newness

feeling
hope

martha depp 7.7.10

Mountains and Valleys

2010-07-06T20:35:00.001-04:00

Today was a return to reality for me.

I spent an amazing weekend in the mountains with my brother and my sister-in-law doing all kinds of fun things and just hanging out... We went off roading up and down gravel roads hanging on the edges of mountains, we walked a little (it was just a little, but still...) bit of the Appalachian Trail, hung out by mossy rocked mountain streams with waterfall after waterfall, hung out by rivers with tumbling rapids, watched fireworks from the roof of their truck, watched a drum circle, made little rock sculptures, had great conversations, took naps........

Here are a few pictures:

Then today, I came back to radiation.

The good news is that it has already dramatically reduced the pain in my hip, thank God. I was really, really excited Friday to be able to take a short walk up and down a steep hill with NO pain. Today I had a little bit of pain but not too much.

The other news is that the radiation is messing with my body in some unpleasant ways. I’ll spare you the details. I met with my Doctor today and he had some ideas for managing the side effects. So that’s good. The side effects will most likely get worse over this week before they hopefully get better over the weekend. Then, I’ll hopefully just have two radiation treatments next Monday and Tuesday...

And, to balance out my uber-excitement about being able to walk comfortably, the piece of junk in my neck has been hurting more for the last couple days. My plan is to ignore it as much as possible and hope the pain is temporary and stays fairly mild...

So, this is life; some really awesome stuff, some annoying stuff. Please pray that I would stay focused on the awesome stuff and that the annoying stuff wouldn’t become overwhelming... Please pray that I would remember that God loves us like this:

"But you, O Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendants of Abraham my friend,

I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

"All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.

Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.

For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Do not be afraid...
O little Israel,
for I myself will help you," declares the LORD,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 41:8-20

3 Down, 7 To Go

2010-07-01T22:09:00.001-04:00

Three radiations done, seven to go.... So far, so good. Thank you for praying.

First Radiation

2010-06-29T15:35:00.003-04:00

Okay, so radiation went very easily today. Thank you for praying. The next prayer is for no side effects...

The radiation therapists called me as soon as I arrived, I went back and laid on a carbon fiber table, they lined me up with the lines, they did x-rays to check alignment, the doctor checked the set-up, the enormous two part machine radiated one side, rotated and then radiated the other side, then rotated and radiated up from underneath. They also drew the outline of the radiation area on each side of me and put transparent stickers on key parts of it so they can realign me easily each time I come in.

Apparently they use carbon fiber for the bed because it allows the radiation to pass through unchanged. Pretty cool.

The people there in radiation oncology are very good and very kind. I was out of there in half an hour, am praying for no side effects, and I am going to start my manic quilting project today (I already have an organization plan for a cutting station, a sewing station, and a layout station to make the process more efficient).

Stuff

2010-06-29T10:05:00.001-04:00

Thoughts:
-When I was at church Sunday listening to my pastor talk about carrying one another’s burdens and love, I realized that is what I was trying to express in a lot of the ways I listed feeling blessed. So many people are walking with me, and carrying my burden with me, and loving me so well, that it makes this journey much less desolate.

-Along the burden bearing line, people can’t help me bear my burden unless they know I have one. Sharing my burden with others costs me because I have to be vulnerable and sometimes it’s exhausting to explain everything to people, but if I don’t share it they can’t help me...

-I stopped carrying the burdens of my spider. We broke up on Saturday. My spider was a nice little spider that lived in my shower. It started out living in the upper window frame, which was perfect because it took care of the little insects. Then, it started making its webs in the bathtub. Obviously this caused me distress because I didn’t want to drown one of God’s creatures, and especially one who had been so helpful, and especially since the process of death by drowning is so awful to contemplate. After numerous fiascos trying to move the spider from the bathtub to the upper window frame while it was spinning threads at a million miles an hour and dropping as fast as it could back down into the tub, the last straw snapped Saturday. After one of these fiascos, I couldn’t find my little spider and got really upset that I might have drowned it (the water was running...). Then, to my great relief, I saw it on the window covering. So I took it outside. Hopefully it’ll be happier out there. I can’t handle spider drama right now.

-Last night I was bouncing off the walls, trying not to irritate the people I was around, hyper for the first time in a very long time, and I realized that I was excited about today. Today is my first radiation treatment for the spot on my sacrum that’s pressing on my nerves and it’s the first possibility of eliminating or reducing the pain I’ve had for three weeks. I didn’t realize how much being restricted by the pain was wearing on me until I realized how excited I am about getting the treatment.

-Please pray that the treatment would effectively eliminate the pain, have as few side effects as possible, and that I would be wise and courageous in my encounters with people throughout the treatment process.

-More later when I get home from treatment.

I Am Blessed

2010-06-25T21:29:00.001-04:00

In countless ways I can’t enumerate. This is what was on my mind today—in no particular order:

I am blessed to have parents, brothers, and sisters who would do anything to take care of me.

I am blessed to have been placed in a job, a church, and a hospital with strong leaders who keep an eye on me and who have been incredible throughout this whole cancer process.

I am blessed to be able to find an enormous (okay, it’s about an inch across but that seems enormous) lump in my left underarm today because it was hurting, feel a marble sized and hardness piece of junk in the base of my neck (which is very close to my head), contemplate how the cancer will effect my body as it grows and spreads from lymph node to lymph node and gets into bones, and still be peaceful—knowing the promises God has made me.

I am blessed to not yet look like I am terminally ill.

I am blessed to be able to be back in my own house for a long weekend of playing/building with metal, and hanging out with cool people, and living independently before I start radiation on Tuesday.

I am blessed to be able to drive myself wherever I want to go.

I am blessed to have God who breathes stars a quadrillion times bigger than our Earth talk to me and guide me and provide for me and make His presence known to me.

I am blessed to be able to walk and move my arms.

I am blessed that after resting a lot more in the last week my pain was minimal enough tonight to allow me to mow my own back yard. (Yes, I know this was a stupid thing to do but the psychological/emotional benefits outweighed, so far, the physical cost...)

I am blessed to have people I’ve never met praying for and encouraging me, making me laugh, making me magnificent artwork, and caring about me.

I am blessed to be able to eat a peanut butter and strawberry jam on potato bread sandwich when I want to.

I am blessed to even have the desire to write a post like this after the last three days I’ve experienced.

I am blessed to have a cousin who sends me awesome music like this:

Cool Diagram

2010-06-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

Of the sacral nerves/spine/pelvis. If you're interested, the area I'm getting radiated includes S1, S2, and L5...

If you click on the link above, and then click on the image, you can enlarge it...

Good News

2010-06-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

Today was much better.

I ran into the radiation oncologist’s PA on my way into the radiation oncology office and got a lot of information.

She and the doctor went yesterday and spoke with a neuro-radiologist. He showed them the nerve strands coming out of the sacrum metastasis area. He said that he is pretty certain that the metastasis on the sacrum is putting pressure on a nerve that goes from there down toward the right hip joint and down my leg.... The PA also told me that the burning pain I was describing is often nerve pain.

It was pretty amazing that I “happened” to walk in right in front of her and learn all of that because if I hadn’t, I probably would have flipped out on the next set of people I was with and become pretty belligerent. It was really nice to talk with her.

Right after I talked with her, I went on to get a ct scan of my pelvis. The CT machine had a light on it that projected a red grid onto me and they used that to mark the locations for the radiation. They drew green x’s with markers and put transparent stickers in the intersection of the x lines, and also put two little metal bb’s on me (they are under stickers too). The x’s and bb’s will stay on and be used to line me up for the radiation.

I was hoping for little tattoo marks like I've seen used elsewhere but I'll just have to be content with the stickers and bb's...

Then the doctor drew on the CT images on a computer, using a marking tool to define the area to be radiated... I tried to get a CD of the images but haven’t yet. They are really cool, so I’m going to ask again next time.

Then I met with the doctor and his PA and he was very nice and relaxed about answering my questions.

So I left feeling much more confident in the process and much more informed and much less ambiguous about the whole thing.

My first radiation appt is for next Tues, June 30. I was hoping it’d be tomorrow but the doctor has to take the CT scans from today and go meet with the physics department to make calculations and measurements and dosage guidelines. After that, all of that information gets entered into the computer system that sets up the machine that actually does the radiation....

Thank you VERY much for praying for me. I went in today feeling very oppositional and skeptical and came out feeling very calm and informed.

God is good even when we can’t immediately see what He’s doing. Having faith that He’s working through these processes is very difficult sometimes when I’m in the midst of all of it and feeling overwhelmed. And sometimes it’s really hard to find the difference between what I’m feeling and experiencing and what I know to be true based on the promises He has made me. I guess that comes back to trying to find a healthy balance between the head/knowledge and the heart/feelings/emotions....

Nothing

2010-06-23T18:58:00.000-04:00

Nothing.

That feels like the outcome for today after spending from 11am to almost 6pm in transit or at the hospital.

I did get my port flushed and saw three of my favorite nurses up there.

There are three possible spots to radiate and, so far, the radiation oncologist doesn’t know which one is causing the problem.

He did all kinds of awful exams, none of which triggered the pain.

He’s going to take the symptom information that he got from me and go talk to a radiologist who will look at the scans and hopefully know which spot is causing it.

I’m not going to get radiated unless someone can tell me with near certainty which spot is the issue.

The radiation oncologist did make the interesting comment that they put a lot of weight on the scan results but find that the patient’s symptoms are usually two weeks ahead of what they can tell from the scan.

Go figure.

I’m supposed to be back up at the hospital at 1pm tomorrow for a “planning session” with the radiation oncologist. He said that, once they figure out which spot, the radiation will be ten treatments, every weekday for two weeks.

Anyway, I’m feeling pretty beaten down and frustrated.

Please pray for wisdom for these people who are trying to help me. Please pray for me, for whatever you feel like you should pray for.

More tomorrow, hopefully.

I’m Radioactive/Camping

2010-06-22T19:31:00.000-04:00

The bottom line:
I’ve been having severe pain in my right hip joint.
Today I had a bone scan and an MRI.
Tomorrow I’m meeting with a radiation oncologist to discuss possible radiation for pain palliation.
I had a great time camping.

The whole line:
I’ve been having severe pain in my right hip joint that has been limiting my locomotion in a rather extremely distressing way for over two weeks. It’s usually not bad if I’m sitting down, not horrible if I’m lying down, but it’s really bad if I’m walking for more than a few minutes, and it’s especially awful going up and down steps or carrying anything of significance.

My doctor ordered a bone scan and an MRI to try to figure out what the cause of the hip joint pain is.

So, I was radioactive this morning. I’m probably not any more, but it sounds pretty crazy, doesn’t it?

This morning I went and got a radioactive tracer injection, got a preliminary bone scan, went and got an MRI, went and got the final bone scan after the radioactive tracer had settled in my bones, and got a CD with all of the images...

The bone scan, other than needing to have two veins stuck because the first didn’t work, was very easy. The only thing worth mentioning was that the tech was really nice and that the scanner got so close to my face that I thought it was going to take off my nose. It was so close my eyes couldn’t focus on it. I had a hard time not laughing. Of course if I had kept my eyes closed as the tech suggested, I wouldn’t have known how close it was.

The MRI on the other hand, was pretty wild. I’d heard all kinds of stories so I was bracing myself and praying a lot. I almost freaked out when the table slid into the MRI tube but then the tech pointed out that I could look out both ends, I noticed that there were nice lights inside of it, there was cool air blowing all over me, and it was a series of scans ranging from about 3-6 minutes long, not just one tortuous 30-minute scan. It was really loud and the noise reminded me of some kind of emergency alert kind of sound, but it was fine.

After that I got a CD full of all kinds of crazy images like these:

I'm pretty sure the big spot on my arm is where the tracer was injected....

I’m not exactly clear about what the detailed explanation of the pain is but the bottom line is that the cancer is causing it, one way or another.

I got referred to a radiation oncologist who will plan a course of radiation with the goal of pain management/reduction/ elimination in mind. My first appointment wasn’t going to be until next Wednesday, which almost made me have a complete meltdown for about an hour after I was told the date. Then, one of my guardian angels up at the hospital called and told me she got me an appointment TOMORROW. That was a HUGE relief.

I’ll post more tomorrow when I get more definitive information.

All I have to say right now is that it blows me away to see God working on my behalf through the person who got me the appointment tomorrow.

It also blows me away to read Isaiah 54, which He showed me through my dear mother this morning, and to see the multitude of ways it speaks directly to me and the things I’ve been struggling with.

Anyway, on a nice, happy note, I had a great time camping over the weekend plus a few days with my family and my dog.

Here are a few pictures:

Accidently coordinated on the tie-dye and khaki bottoms, playing ring toss.

Me and my sisters, hanging out.

My amazing birthday cake on a delightful birthday with some of my favorite people.

My and my dog's sleeping quarters, which were incredibly comfortable (that's a hammock with mosquito netting over it...).

Peace Out

2010-06-13T22:39:00.000-04:00

I’ll be taking a break from my blog for a few weeks.

I have two days of work this week and then will be going on vacation. I’ll be camping with some of my multitudinous family. Seven of us ten children will be there, plus some siblings' spouses, plus my parents, plus an unknown number of nieces and nephews, plus a couple dogs. We’ve been going to the same place every year for about forty years and I’m looking forward to it. I went for the first time when I was six weeks old and I’ve only missed once or twice in almost thirty-three years.

Photo taken from my hammock. It's a Prothonotary Warbler. You should click on this one and see it bigger...

Chalk drawing with my nephew supervising.

The proverbial, but exquisite, camp fire.

After camping, I’m looking forward to spending time with family and friends, working on an illustration project, making a quilt for my brother and his wife who are expecting their first child, finishing some jewelry projects and working on some new ones, doing some woodworking, reading good books, traveling....

I just consolidated my eight sticky notes of to do lists etc. So now that I have my life all organized my summer will be a lot better. I guess that’s what happens when you keep sticky note pads in four locations in your house.

Peace out, Martha

The Known

2010-06-12T11:38:00.000-04:00

You can click on it to see it bigger, I think...